The Road To Your Dream Job p.2
What can you do when you don’t know what to do?
Last time we began a new and exciting journey towards having a job you would love. Today we are continuing our road through the different things preventing you from finding and living your dream job.
A very common issue is not knowing what kind of job you would like doing. That’s nothing to be worried about, though. Step by step, we’ll sort our way out through that as well.
It sucks not knowing what you want. It’s tiring, and it makes you feel dragged in 100 different directions. It feels like there are 100 different voices and impulses in you, all of them wanting something different. It also makes you feel insecure and unsafe in a way. It can be stressful not knowing where you are going.
Part of the problem is actually trying to sort it all out mentally. This is not a job for lengthy pondering by the river — it’s a job for action and experimenting.
When you start seeing your indecision for what it is — a simple need to try different things and develop your own identity — your worry and stress about not knowing will fall greatly. Now you will know why you feel the way you feel, and what to do about it. This makes you feel able to take the stress for what it is, as well — just a period of transition.
One of the most common causes for not knowing what you want is an identity that is not yet crystalized enough to naturally feel the direction of what you would like to do.
Lots of things can interfere with the process of building and discovering your own identity.
Generally speaking, a big bulk of identity formation happens in childhood. If your parents and environment are supportive of you exploring different things and interacting with others, your own core will start building itself by experimenting and noticing how you feel about different things.
It’s very important to have your parents’ support during this early development process. It’s also important to have something which a child might not be so easily aware of: your parents need to truly connect emotionally with you, and you need to feel like they understand you and your feelings. That they respect and cherish your perspective and inner life for what it is.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case and sometimes our parents not only fail to see or understand what we feel, but, even more, they reject our feelings and impose their own views upon us.
If a parent doesn’t connect emotionally with a child and at the same time disapproves of their choices and wishes, it can easily feel for the child that the parent is withholding their love and connection specifically because the child doesn’t conform to the wishes of the parent.
Depending on the circumstances and inner predispositions, among other factors, some children respond with rebelliousness and others respond by trying to obtain their parents approval at the cost of their own needs and wishes.
This creates confusion, hurt, and a ton of other things that we are more or less aware of, but it’s also the root cause of our own identities not fully developing and, therefore, not knowing what we would like to do.
And feeling like that is normal. It’s so, so very normal and common. And the fix is very simple.
As with all other inner rebuilding, becoming aware of your feelings, the courage and willingness to experiment and try new things and a support system are great ingredients to have.
On to the work!
In order to help your true self gain strength, develop, come to the surface and assert itself, you will need to start trying new things.
Any reasonably healthy and safe thing that attracts you even a little bit, even if it just crosses your mind, is a good place to start. You can make a list of things that attract you and start doing them one by one.
Things can get a little complex, so this is where a therapist or coach might come in handy, because you can have other inner conflicts around the things you love, which might prevent you from fully feeling your love for them, or how much they suit you. It can get a bit confusing because of that.
If, for example, you are attracted to singing, but for some reason feel like a music career would mean you will never have love or you would lose your loved ones, it’s easy to imagine why someone who cares about having close relationships as well could start feeling conflicted about being a singer.
1. Try to notice everything that attracts you
At this point, it’s really not about being right or wrong. Also, remove the pressure of feeling that anything you try must stay forever with you. It’s all about experimenting right now. Everything you ever thought of doing since you were a child is a good start.
2. Think of things that you might like
Or simply add to your list everything that crosses your mind, especially if you have never tried it before.
Pay attention to the smallest things. You might notice that you really like planting trees. Or talking with people. Or being outside. You never know. Also, not everything you like needs to be a job. You can find new hobbies as well.
A good way to try different things is going to a class of something. Like a pottery class, or a programming one. If money is an issue, you can definitely try these things on your own, or organize your own circle of people trying different things. Hey, you might even notice that you are more motivated to do different things when around others, which will also have its inherent lessons.
3. Write it down
It can get complex and a bit complicated to remember all these things. Plus, writing them down makes you and the whole process a bit more organized and you can keep track of everything that you’re trying, as well as the lessons you learn.
4. Start trying things one by one for at least 45 days
Why 45 days? Well, there’s research saying that 45 days is how much you need to repeat something in order to build the neural pathways necessary for forming a new habit. But, beyond that, it’s an arbitrary number I chose. You can make it somewhat shorter or longer. It should be long enough to get to see how your feelings change over time while trying the new activity, and give yourself a chance to notice conflicts, but short enough to try different things and not go on forever doing something you dislike.
5. At the same time, try to notice all the different feelings you have regarding what you try
For example, let’s say you try painting. You might notice that you like free-flow painting, but not realistic painting. You might notice you don’t like painting something specific, or being commissioned for work.
Try to understand why you like one, but not the other. All these insights are leads towards uncovering any hidden conflicts you might have about the things you love or whether you are attracted to some things for the wrong reasons, such as wanting to be a doctor to impress your dad, or spite your cousin, or wanting to be a singer in order to be famous because you think that would mean being connected and never being rejected again.
6. Know when to let go
At the beginning, variety might be more important than sticking with something for too long just because it became a comfort zone of some sort. Feel free to cycle through different things and take the lessons you need from them.
You can always return to something once you get more clarity. And you will get more clarity. On this road, it’s a lot about the process itself. You don’t need to find the answer in one day. And if you stick with the process for a little while, you will soon find that the answers and your natural inclinations and attractions just get stronger and stronger and start bubbling up to the surface.
That’s it for today. Feel free to ask any specific questions you have about the process itself in the comments or a message, and let me know about your own lists of things you’d like to try in the near future. Go on now, it’ll be fun :)
Next time we’ll deal with uncovering more about how different inner conflicts can make us feel confused and indecisive about what we want to do.
