How The “Need To Belong” Affects Every Decision You Make

Our ancestors evolved in tribes of 50–150 members. Without the support of her tribe, an early human was doomed to a swift death.

In the modern world, we live in a comparably safe environment. There aren’t lions, tigers, and bears waiting around the corner to devour us. We don’t have limited access to food (if anything, we have an overabundant access to food). Today, we have an advanced medical system that has made the illnesses that were once deadly, easily curable.

Despite the relative safety of the modern world, our brain hasn’t changed much in the last several hundred thousand years. The human brain evolved over a very long period of time. Modern humans are still equipped with a machine that is carefully tuned to help us survive in the dangerous Savannah that our ancestors evolved in

Because our brain is wired to help us survive in a perilous, scarce environment, we are all imbued with a powerful (and at times, desperate) need to belong.

This need to belong exists because it allowed us to be a functioning member of our tribe. But, in the modern world, our need to belong can do us just as much harm as it does good.

When surveyed, people identify two greatest fears. One is obvious: death. The other is more surprising: public speaking. Sure, public speaking puts you in a vulnerable place where you risk getting laughed at. But, so what? Why would social rejection terrify us so much?

Because of how the human brain evolved. If one of your distant ancestors were rejected by their tribe, they would have been left alone to die. We evolved to be terrified of social rejection because rejection literally meant death until recently. Our brain (even today) sees our tribe as our most important lifeline, we have a powerful need to belong imprinted in our DNA.

The Need To Belong Part 1:

Tribalism

The need to belong has many positive effects. It allows us to function as not only individuals, but as members of a group. Many of humankind’s great accomplishments could never have happened if individuals didn’t have a deep-seated need to be a part of a larger group.

But the need to belong can be destructive just as much as it can be constructive. On the one hand, having a need to belong makes us seek out social relationships and collaborate. On the other hand, having a need to belong can prevent us from thinking logically, and it can leave us paralyzed with fear in social interactions.

The need to belong doesn’t so much make us identify as part of the human tribe in general, it makes us identify with particular tribes — that are at war with other tribes.

It’s easy to see how the other political party is selfish and immoral, but we cannot see the negative qualities of our own political party nearly as clearly. It’s easy to see how a religion we don’t belong to is false and destructive, but we have a blind spot to the possible flaws in our own belief system.

It’s no coincidence that we latch onto our group identities so tightly. We are tribal creatures, and dissenting from our tribe would have bore terrible consequences for our ancestors. Today, you can disagree with the members of your group without risking your life, but there are still severe consequences.

When a liberal politician openly admits they agree with the opposing party on an important issue, they risk being virtually disowned by their party, and therefore, become unable to make an impact as a politician.

Harvey Levin of TMZ recently said, “I think free thought is almost dead in this country. People are bullied into thinking a certain way and if you don’t agree, they will bully you and boycott you and try to kill you.”

This doesn’t only affect politics, it affects all of us deeply. We create our sense of reality through the people we consider to be a part of our tribe. This is why people who listen to EDM are so different from those who listen to heavy metal. When you think of the stereotypical “valley girl” or “goth” or “nerd” , you’re seeing examples of what people do to fit in with their tribe.

People who are part of a particular subculture don’t just talk like each other, they think like each other, and even make similar decisions to each other. This becomes problematic when we adopt the negative assumptions of a group that we belong to.

Choosing your own values — even if they go against the values of the groups you identify with — is an important aspect of developing self-awareness. If you come from a family that expects you to become a doctor, because that’s what they define as success, you must seriously question whether you truly want to be a doctor, or if you’re just making a sacrifice to appease what your family wants.

Until you start to ask these questions, you’re liable to make decisions that sacrifice what you want, for what some group you identify with wants. If you come from a culture that values personal success and wealth above all else, question that. If you come from a culture that values contributing to the greater good by making personal sacrifices, question that, too.

Becoming aware of how your need to belong affects you isn’t so much about finding that the group is wrong or right, it’s about finding areas where your values and the group’s values differ — and deciding how to act on that.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Our identity becomes deeply entrenched in the thoughts and beliefs of the groups we belong to over the course of many years. We invest so much in these groups, that to dissent from them would feel like an attack on the very fiber of our being.

Throughout the centuries, there have been a number of so-called “doomsday cults”, groups who shared a belief that the world is going to end on a particular date (only those in the group would be saved, whereas everyone else would be damned). Inevitably, the dates in which these cults predict Armageddon come to pass, but the world does not end. You would think that members of such cults would abandon their beliefs at this point. If the world was supposed to end on January 15th, but it’s January 16th and the sun’s still shining, clearly the belief system was wrong. Right?

Wrong. Famed psychologist Robert Cialdini writes, “Immediately following the obvious failure of the prophecy, history records an enigmatic pattern. Rather than disbanding in disillusion, the cultists often become strengthened in their convictions. Risking the ridicule of the populace, they take to the streets, publicly asserting their dogma and seeking converts with a fervor that is intensified, not diminished, by the clear disconfirmation of a central belief. So it was with the Montanists of second-century Turkey, with the Anabaptists of sixteenth-century Holland, with the Sabbataists of seventeenth-century Izmir, with the Millerites of nineteenth-century America.” (Influence: Science and Practice)

The failure of their prophecies made the members of these cults become even more dogmatic in their beliefs. They had gone in too deep, invested too much. To admit they were wrong would be akin to admitting they were insane.

It might seem like only the crazies who are weak-minded enough to join a cult could fall for this kind of groupthink. But, popular religions can be seen in a similar light. I’m not saying all religion is crazy, however, if you believe in a Western religion, you probably think that Eastern religions are little more than a fantasy — a fantasy that billions of people take very seriously and base their entire lives around. The same is true in reverse.

The Need To Belong Part 2

Question The Group

The groups we identify have their own unique philosophies about what makes us happy, what an individual is capable of, and what we should be doing with our time.

If you’ve invested your identity into a group that believes fame is the key to happiness, or that an individual can only be successful if they’re born with the right genetics, or that you should spend your time in front of a television screen — that will have long-term consequences to how rich and fulfilling your life is. It’s important to question which of your thoughts and decisions are based on your personal values, and which of your decisions are based on the values of a group you identify with.

Questioning your beliefs is inherently difficult. The first step is to become aware of:

• Which beliefs of yours cause you to experience strong emotions
• Which of your beliefs you are certain of.

If you’ve had an argument about a particular belief of yours, and you got frustrated, sad, or defensive — then you can be sure you are emotionally invested in your beliefs about that issue.

Being emotionally invested in an idea doesn’t mean you’re wrong about it, but emotions do cloud our ability to think rationally. In general, our feelings about an issue determine our thoughts about that issue more than the other way around.

Wherever there is strong emotion, there should be doubt (because our emotions cloud our judgment). Ironically, by default, wherever there is strong emotion, we experience less doubt. We make many of our decisions based on a strong feeling that it’s the best choice, but it’s incredibly difficult to keep our feelings and the logic behind them separate. Whenever you feel something is true, you can benefit from asking yourself why you think that, and what the alternative possibilities are.

The need to belong is an inherent human trait. Although it has helped humankind as a whole prosper, it can be toxic to us as individuals. We assume that our country is the good guy in war, because to think otherwise would mean identifying as part of the problem. We assume our tribe’s beliefs about how we should live our life are superior because we invest so much time and energy into those beliefs. It’s only when you accept the possibility that you might be wrong about everything, that you’re free to truly live your own life. (We’ll explain the specifics of how to become comfortable with the possiblity that you’re wrong in the upcoming need for certainty chapter.)

The Need To Belong Part 3:

The Fear of Rejection

My friend Nick was raised by a wealthy pharmacist. Due to her urging, he decided to follow the same path. When I met him, he was 3 years into pharmacy school, and when I asked why he wanted to be a pharmacist he said he wanted to,“Make bank,” and he wanted to help people. Fair enough. I asked if he liked the classes he was taking. He said he hated them. I learned he worked as a pharmacy tech and asked if he enjoyed it, he said he tolerated it.

After taking over $50,000 in student loans and spending 7 years of his life studying to become a pharmacist, Nick dropped out of pharmacy school. He told me he had no passion for pharmacy, and that he thought pharmacists were little more than drug dealers.

Nick was passionate about health, but he wanted to be a nutritionist instead, because nutritionists help people make decisions that prevent them from getting so unhealthy they become overly reliant on drugs.

After Nicked dropped out, I asked Nick if he had wanted to be a pharmacist because of his mom. He said that was probably the main reason.

Nick fabricated logical enough reasons that he wanted to be a pharmacist: he wanted to make money and he wanted to help people. But eventually, he realized he had been lying to himself, and that he ought to pursue another career path. He made this decision at the cost of over $50,000 and seven years of his life pursuing a degree he would now have no use for: not a small price to pay.

We care about what other people think far more than we like to admit. The idea of speaking in front of a crowd and getting laughed at is terrifying, but no more so than the idea of telling our parents that we want to take a different career path then what they want for us.

We make many of our decisions in reaction to our fear of rejection. Nick was going to be a pharmacist because of his mother. I was going to be an English teacher because of my father. Many of us never wholeheartedly pursue our passions because we know people we care about will think we’re crazy and disapprove of us if we do.

If we’re not careful, our fear of rejection can prevent us from living the life we want. Contrarily, having no fear of rejection can in itself lead to success.

This has been called the Kanye West effect: extreme entitlement and self-confidence can pave the way for personal achievement. Russ Rufino writes, “Kanye West was a star in his own mind long before he became a bonafide celebrity.

Back in 2003, comedian Dave Chappelle invited the then unknown musician to perform on his sketch comedy TV show. ‘It was like Muhammad Ali in Olympic Village,’ Chappelle recalled in 2014. ‘He just knew that he was gonna get the gold.’ West was ridiculously proud — so proud, in fact, that after the show, when he and several famous rappers were listening to a newly released Jay-Z album, West jumped up and demanded a certain song be replayed so everyone hear Jay-Z’s shoutout to him.”

Overconfidence can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pychologist Cameron Anderson writes, “overconfident individuals are perceived as more competent by others and they attain higher status.” Fearlessness in the face of social rejection allows one to create unimaginable opportunities. Conversely, being too fearful of rejection can prevent you from taking advantage of the opportunities that are presented to you.

My previous roommate, David, spent his free time as a music producer. He started to build a following and was offered a full-time, paid touring deal. David was given the opportunity to make a living doing what he loved. He declined the offer because he didn’t want to be in a position where he had to sacrifice his artistic integrity to make generic music.

Fair enough. You would think after he declined this deal that David continued releasing songs in his free time to build up his solo career. Nope. After he declined this deal, he didn’t release another song for 6 months. That song didn’t take off as he hoped, and afterwards, he gave up on his music career entirely– he hasn’t released another song since.

So, David was offered a paid deal to be a full-time touring artist, he declined that deal because he wanted to keep his artistic integrity, and then he gave up on music entirely.

What does David now? He took a job as a legal assistant, a job he openly says he dislikes. It’s strange, then, that he hasn’t put more effort into his music career.

In my view, David gave up on music because he cared too much what people thought. He frequently talked about how much he loved making music and he had strong evidence that he could succeed as an artist, and yet, he gave up shortly after getting what many people would consider the opportunity of a lifetime. The pressure was too much, now that he knew he could start a successful musical career, the thought of releasing more music became too intimidating to him.

With enough self-awareness, David likely would have relentlessly pursued a career in music, and given his track record, he likely would have been successful. In reality though, he didn’t even try to succeed, he cared too much about the opinions of others to do what he loved.

If left unchecked, a fear of rejection can lead us to avoid taking the risks necessary to create the life we want. In dating, if we don’t ask our crush on a date, we’re left to wonder what could have happened if we faced our fear. In our careers, if we don’t take risks, we may settle for a 9–5 job working for a business we don’t care about, left to wonder what we could have accomplished if we stepped out of our comfort zone.

Fortunately, although fear of rejection is universal, it doesn’t have to control your life. Our evolutionary heritage means we’re pre-wired to have a fear of rejection, but on the other hand, we’re also pre-wired to be adaptable to change.

By default, we avoid those things that cause us to feel fear or anxiety. Because of our fear of rejection, we avoid taking social riskss. But, if we intentionally lean into that fear by taking social risks, we prove that our fear is unnecessary, and are able to overcome it.

When we fear rejection, we imagine that getting rejected will lead to some terrible consequences (mostly the disapproval of those we care about and/or humiliation). We avoid facing our fear of rejection because we don’t want to deal with those consequences. Yet, in reality, those consequences are mostly a figment of our imagination.

There’s a bit of a catch-22 here, though. If the antidote to our fear of rejection is facing rejection, won’t your fear of rejection prevent you from getting over your fear of rejection?

Only if you try to bite off more than you can chew. If you have a fear of rejection, you can overcome it by gradually exposing yourself to your fears. Psychologists call this gradual exposure therapy.

Basically, to get comfortable with rejection you must face rejection, but you can do this one step at a time. Instead of doing something that is a 10/10 rejection (like speaking in front of a large crowd), start by getting comfortable with risking a much smaller rejection.

You can do this with a rejection challenge. For a total of 30 days, (doesn’t have to be consecutive), you will face some kind of rejection on purpose.

The rejections you choose to face are only limited by your creativity, I’ll start you off with a few ideas:

• Go to a store and bring an item to the cashier, ask the cashier if you can have the item for free.
• Approach an attractive stranger and ask them on a date.
• Approach a stranger and start a conversation with them.
• Do an open mic night at a local comedy club.
• Email someone you admire and ask if you can give them a short call.
• Ask a crush from your past if they’d like to get lunch with you (over social media)
• Dance in public like no one’s watching.
• Lay down somewhere with a lot of foot traffic for 30 seconds.
• Come up with a book idea and send a 1-page pitch for that book to publishing agents.

You can structure the challenge however you like. As a general rule, you should start with something that’s out of your comfort zone, but not overwhelmingly anxiety provoking (perhaps laying down on a sidewalk or dancing in public for 30 seconds). Then, once you get comfortable with that challenge, move onto one that’s slightly more difficult (perhaps asking for a free item at a store).

I recommend keeping track of your progress in some way. For example, you can make a simple word document like this:

Fear Challenge:

First challenge:

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Etc.

As you start the challenge, it’ll look something like this:

Fear Challenge

First challenge: (Lay down on busy sidewalk)

Day 1: Went to the mall to do this. Felt awkward about it, but I wanted to overcome my fear so I just did it. It wasn’t that bad once I started, in fact it was kinda funny.

Day 2: Went to my university to lay down as people walked between classes. I was afraid of getting laughed at, but no one really paid much attention. One person asked if I was okay, I said I was, and they left. My fear was based on an emotion, not reality.

Second challenge: (Start a conversation with a stranger)

Day 3: I don’t have many friends, so I wanted to meet some people at a club last night. I went alone, and I felt pretty uncomfortable. I bought a couple drinks and just stood around for a while. Eventually I built up the courage to introduce myself to a group of people. We talked for a minute, then I said I had to go. It was uncomfortable for me, but I’m glad I did it. After this interaction, I immediately went back home. Next time, I’d like to meet more than just one group.

_________________________________________________

Again, you don’t necessarily have to do this 30 days in a row, it’s just 30 days total. If you tend to forget about goals like this, you can set a weekly reminder on your calendar app labeled “Fear challenge” to make sure it stays on your mind.

The benefits to facing your fear of rejection are widespread. You can expect to feel an increase in your levels of social confidence, you will be less likely to let others make decisions for you, and perhaps most importantly, you will feel more deserving of going for what you want in life (whether that be a potential romantic partner or a new career).

Now, you shouldn’t expect a complete transformation after your first few days of facing rejection — real change happens over time. 30 days of rejection training should be enough to notice a substantial change in how social risk affects you. Don’t hesitate to take the challenge past 30 days and to take on greater challenges.

Conclusion: The Need to Belong

As much as we value our individuality, it can’t be denied that the need to belong guides many of our decisions as humans. We desire both the acceptance of our peers and of the groups we identify with (whether they be political, religious, cultural, etc.).

Our need to belong can conflict with our individual interests. Because we sometimes take on the values of our group, our individual values can get lost in the shuffle. Because of the fear of rejection, we often avoid taking risks that could enrich our lives.

Recognizing the influence others have on you is an important aspect of developing your self-awareness. If you allow your ego to convince you that you’re impervious to external influence, you only make yourself more vulnerable to those external influences. Denying that we are social creatures who seek the approval of others causes us to develop a blind spot to our true values and motivations. At worst, we can live a life in which we believe we are doing what’s right for us, but we’re actually doing what’s right for the groups we belong to (and are afraid of being rejected by).

Face your fear of rejection head on. Desensitize yourself to rejection so that your need to belong doesn’t have too powerful a sway over your decision-making.

This article is an excerpt from the brand new book: The Power of Self-Awareness. You can get the complete book on Amazon.