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Diffusing Interpersonal Conflict

Why conflict is never solved with reasoning and how to actually solve it…

Shane Austrie
Sep 1, 2018 · 5 min read
Photo by Florian Pérennès on Unsplash

Even with the most perfect relationships, conflict is bound to happen. Many people, especially college-educated individuals, tend to use logic and reason to solve conflict. You would think this methodology would work, or at least work with other college-educated people. Unfortunately, it doesn’t.

Photo by Aneta Pawlik on Unsplash

A husband and wife goes to their class reunion 🏛. They’re mingling with their old peers, and suddenly the wife asks the husband to get her something to drink.

A few minutes later, the husband shows up with a glass 🍸. The wife takes the glass and continues humble bragging to her former peers about how mentally strong she is for doing a keto (low/no carb 🍚) diet for 6 months. Through the conversation, the wife absent-mindedly drinks a good portion of the glass that her husband brought her.

That’s when someone points, “Hey, if you’re on a keto diet, then why did you just drink a glass of white wine? Everyone knows that white wine in mainly sugar.”

She looks down at the glass, she instantly realizes that the glass’ content was indeed white wine. The wife becomes furious with her husband. She raises her voice and begin making statements about how he never listens to her, and that he has the listening skills of an ADHD child 👶🏾. Becoming defensive, the husband then begins making statements about how she never stops talking, and that it’s not his fault she’s fat 🐄. The argument becomes so unruly that they’re asked to leave👮‍♂️.

Some people may say that the wife is at fault for insulting her husband first. Others may say that it’s the husband’s fault for not remembering his wife is on a diet.

I don’t care who’s at fault. I just care about realizing why did both parties respond the way they did.

The wife responded the way she did, not because her husband was careless, but because she was embarrassed. She was embarrassed that others were perceiving her as a lier.

Embarrassment (a primary emotion) causes anger (a secondary emotion).

Her embarrassment produced anger. Her subconscious then had to find where to direct her anger to…and what better place than the “source” of the embarrassment, her husband.

This is also true for her husband. Her husband could’ve accepted blame, then explained to their peers that it was his mistake and that his wife was actually doing keto…but he didn’t. Why? Because, getting called out by his wife, in front of his peers, made him feel embarrassed. That embarrassment then leads to anger, which then was redirected at his wife, causing his wife to feel embarrassed again. This becomes a vicious cycle of embarrassment and anger.

Photo by Wade Austin Ellis on Unsplash

1) Get both parties away from the situation and the witnesses

In the moment of conflict, both parties (e.g. you and the person you’re arguing with) will be very emotional and irrational. Even if both people seem like they’re speaking with rationality, they’re not — everything has emotion behind it. Period.

We’re humans. No matter how tough and strong we try to act when interacting with other humans, we’re all just broken and hurt individuals inside. We stop acting tough once there’s no-one around to prove it to. Then, and only then, are we willing to listen, be open, and compromise.

2) Give a few minutes for each person to cool down

Even though both of you have gotten away from the situation, each person still needs time to control their already excited emotions (e.g. anger stemming from embarrassment doesn’t just go away in an instance).

Give each person a few minutes to gather their thoughts, so that they both know exactly what they would like to say. The problem will go unsolved if either party leaves the conversation feeling that they didn’t get to say what they wanted to say.

3) Say your most important points first

Humans naturally deteriorate in attention span over the course of a conversation. It’s not because they don’t care. It’s just that listening, processing, and responding uses a shit-ton of energy.

That’s why it’s important to gather your thoughts during the cool down phase. Whatever you state at the beginning, is what’s most likely going to be remembered.

4) Actively listen to the other person

Make it your mission going into the conversation to understand, not only the logic behind what the other party is stating, but also the emotions that they are not directly stating.

Again, we’re humans. No matter how much we, as a species, try to fool ourselves into thinking we’re some super logical organism, we always fall back onto emotions. The reason why everyone in the world doesn’t come to the same universal logical conclusion, is because emotions are stronger, which then subconsciously drives our logic.

Lastly, don’t let resentment go unsettled. Unsettled resentment doesn’t go away…ever.💆‍♂️

No matter how much logic you use to calm yourself down, you’ll grow to hate the person. And for some people, this resentment may reach the stage of wanting to lash out in anger and revenge. 🥊

Don’t let this be you, settle issues as they happen, as soon as they happen. 🤝


Thanks for reading! For more articles covering coding, music, dating, and the overall urban nerd lifestyle follow The Urban Nerd publication or follow me on Snapchat (https://snapchat.com/add/the-urbannerd) or Twitter (https://twitter.com/TheUrbanNerd). Preferably SC!

The Urban Nerd

Be More Than Just Smart! | Coding, Music, Anime, Startups, Dating, and Lifestyle!

Shane Austrie

Written by

www.shaneaustrie.com | Machine Learning Engineer | Previously Fullstack Web and Mobile Engineer

The Urban Nerd

Be More Than Just Smart! | Coding, Music, Anime, Startups, Dating, and Lifestyle!

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