Change Agents
Harnessing The Power Of Death
“We act like mortals in all that we fear, and like immortals in all that we desire.” Seneca (On The Shortness Of Life)
The Dash
Traveling in Montreal, I heard a story about a unique character working in a graveyard. My friend Andrew told me every time he asks her “how are you?”, she replies “just another day on my dash…”.
The dash she’s referring to is the dash on our tombstones.
We spoke a bit about how every day is another day in our life’s dash.
I never contemplated life in that manner before.
Every day is another frame in that movie, existing on the dash.
The problem with this thought experiment, that it’s too long for us to comprehend. It’s impossible to relate that amount of time to our monkey minds.
Bottom line: the dash is too long for it to mean anything to us.
Through my traveling I found that: if I reduce the time frame of the dash, I can harness the power of this thought experiment.
During the last few months, I brought my “dash” down to a time frame that my monkey brain can comprehend: weeks/months.
I’m exercising a unique awareness, that my experience in a place is transient and in a few days/weeks/2 months… I’ll be in another place.
There is a sort of “death” that follows with that understanding.
Everywhere I go to, I connect with people, I familiarize myself with a place. Then comes the “end”, and I have to say goodbye to everything and everyone.
When I was in Austin Texas, I used to “joke” about my situation. Whenever people asked me why I’m in the city for a few weeks or randomly asking where I’ll be next week, I said: “I’m dying next week, so I have to leave(:”.
Yes, it’s not a joke that everyone can find funny… but it held great power for me.
There is a bit of truth to that saying: In a few days I’ll be somewhere else in the world and have no idea if I see any of the people I met or the place again. It’s a form of “death” to my experience there.
The Power Of Death
Death is the greatest change agent I know.
“Tell us we’re dying, and we come alive” Steve Chandler (Fearless)
I know that in 2/4/6 weeks I’ll be changing places most likely. With that awareness, my experience becomes very different. Very alive.
It’s a time frame that my mind can work with, and thrive on.
I need a quest, a mission.
If you tell me I have a year to stay in a place and learn Spanish for example, I’ll postpone my mission until I reach the last month (if even…).
Ironically — the fact that we think we have a long time ahead of us, “kills” our lives. The more time we have, the harder it is for us to apply ourselves.
I know this from my experience as a math tutor: tell students they have an exam a month from now and they start studying a day before. Tell students they have an exam 5 days from now and they start studying immediately.
The time frame is crucial!
Our brains are not motivated by a tiger that comes 6 years from now… we‘re motivated by a tiger that just made a sound in the bushes.
The Daily Dash
If we thought we have a daily dash, every day would look and feel completely different.
I began to develop a template for my “daily dash”.
I make sure my daily experience will have 3 key components:
- Enjoyment/”fun”.
- Fulfillment/”meaning”
- Connection with others.
I find that if my day is lacking too much on any one of those, my “daily dash” is not something I can go to sleep in peace with.
Joy Or “Fun”
The first element should be obvious, but was missing from my life for about 24/25 years… Have fun!
Fun should always be on the daily menu. Could you imagine it’s your last day on earth, and you had no fun in it?
Joy/fun/laughter… should always be a part of our day. If not, we begin to resent our choices in life, subconsciously. We take a “vacation”, go back “home”, and immediately get depressed and need another 10 vacations…
Why the fuck are we in this vicious cycle?
Our daily lives are deficient in happiness/fun/laughter… we are being malnourished and are screaming for this element in our lives.
We associate “vacation’ with fun and joy and “regular life” with work and boredom mostly. Kids have no concept of life without fun or “games”, their entire existence is a “game”, with the sole purpose of having fun. In fact, we actually ask them: “how was your day? did you have fun?”. If you ask an adult if he had fun at work today he would give you a look of: “what have you been drinking/taking? give me some of it immediately…”
We grow up, and throw fun out the window… FUCK THAT :)
Joy is a macronutrient in my daily diet/dash that I cannot thrive without.
Fulfillment and Meaning
Having a creative expression is essential to our nature.
Every time I spend a day with my little cousins, I’m amazed by how engaged they are, spending their day climbing trees, hiking, biking, playing (they live in the countryside…). If you give them a mission to engage in something, they are completely present in that action: building, painting, playing basketball…
When I play with my cousin football (soccer) he runs like it’s the last time he’ll ever run again. Kids have no concept of what it means to save energy, they play and create like it’s the last time. Every time.
There is something intrinsically fulfilling for us, in expressing ourselves. Writing, painting, learning languages, dancing… every day we should engage in activities that are fulfilling for us. It’s very easy to get addicted to video games because they offer our brain this “quest/mission” state.
When you’re 13 and it’s still socially acceptable for you to play video games, achieving those tasks and advancing in the stages of the game is incredibly rewarding. Our brain loves missions. We grow up, get a job, and the mission becomes: let’s try not to shoot people until the weekend comes…
Connection With Others
This element is non-negotiable, WE NEED OTHERS IN OUR LIVES.
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you ought to set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” Seth Godin (Tribes)
Having a tribe of people we feel connected to is essential.
Companionship: there is a power in doing things with others, that we never tap into on our own. Yoga in my apartment alone before work? I’m right there… Yoga class with others? Where do I put my money?
Besides motivating myself through this pack mentality aspect, there is a tremendous satisfaction that comes from truly connecting with others and forming meaningful relationships. Maturing individually is a function of how we relate to others.
A key element that is usually missing in our “relationships” is offering value to others. A good question to use as a guide is: “What can I offer this person that will be interesting to him?” The more I train my brain to think in this way, I find that my connections are growing and deepening.
Most of our “relationships” are actually “dependships” (made up a word, yes…).
“There are 3 levels in life: dependence, independence, and interdependence.” Peter sage (London Real Podcast)
Having a tribe of people, that are interdependent on each other, is our vehicle to get anywhere in life. Every member can take care of himself, but only together we can get our shit together and strive to take care of the world.
Daily Dash Summary
Being clear on my daily dash helps me make choices that will be based on these key elements. Every day we need to eat, every day we need to feed our needs.
I don’t want my daily dash to say: “underfeed by his own fault”
No mother is given a menu on how to feed her child. No one knows. No one knows what the fuck they’re doing.
We need to grow in our understanding of what it means to feed ourselves. Everyone has his own needs, it’s a subjective dash.
Harnessing The Power
Try and live in a place for 1/3/6 weeks and observe your behavior.
Life is not a contract, it’s an experiment.
It’s not enough to read Eckhart Tolle (As awesome as he is!) if we want to be more present in our lives. Presence is connected to death. The second I fall into the trap of “There is plenty of time…“ I revert back to old behaviors. It starts small: “there is time to do that at the end of the day…” and then I procrastinate my entire life to: “I’ll travel when I’m old or financially successful…”.
Buenos Aires
I’m currently in Argentina, learning Spanish.
I’m planning on staying here for 2 months. Everything I do is to prevent feeling comfortable in that time frame so I will avoid this life procrastination trap. Comfort is the enemy of growth. I get comfortable, and I lose my edge.
Biggest resistance I had to override was: “I’ll meet people when my Spanish is better…” Fuck that, I’ll meet people when I can say “Hola”…
I’ll go to a yoga class, and do the moves just by watching. I’ll go to a climbing gym and pretend I understand the crazy Argentinian accent people have…
No excuse for having a shitty dash.
I went to a language exchange night at a bar in the city, there was a girl there waiting for her friend to come so she can come in with her (she was waiting for half an hour). She told me: “what? come in by myself? that’s weird…” Immediately I remembered what my friend Billy said to me in Texas, we were walking into a bar and I asked him if it’s OK that I have sandals in my bag… he answered: “dude, you’re traveling… you can have a frying pan in your bag and it will be OK”.
I’m walking into that bar alone, approaching whoever I want, with 3 words in Spanish :)
The ego behaves very differently when it’s aware it’s about to die.
No use wasting energy in self-defense when there is nothing to defend. I’m going to defend a persona that will die in a few weeks? what for?
Life Is Experimental
THE INCREDIBLE JASON SILVA
Kids explore, all the time.
My little cousin walks into a room, he explores everything in it.
A dog enters into a room, he smells everything in it.
An “adult” walks into a room, he takes out his iPhone and starts “exploring” his feed.
The people who went far into their passions are the ones that explored. The Da Vinci’s and Steve jobs of the world… were true explorers. Your understanding of yourself grows in relation to your understanding of the world. Exploring is essential for that.
“Find your passion?”… what? there is one passion? there is one partner? one career? one option and you need to find it?
There is a richness to life that we never tap into.
I was sitting there in that bar thinking: “there are people everywhere!”.
Argentina, Texas, Uruguay, Canada…
People to meet, friends, people to learn from, different people, different lessons. It never ends. It’s beautiful.
Death is essential for life. To harness death’s incredible powers, we need to install it in our lives.
Death is the ultimate change agent and it comes served on the buffet of traveling every day.
2017
I’m not big on “New Year’s Eve”, thinking in years never worked for me.
“How was your year?”… “Have a good year”… thinking in weeks/months is incredibly effective. The “resolutions” fail because commitments for a year are killing our libido for life.
I’ll learn Spanish this year… I’ll start a business… I’ll blah blah blah…
I’ll never do “x” this year because I never did, and never will.
I’ll do “x” this week or month if I create the context for it.
No life contracts, just experiments.
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