Solo Traveling
A Personal Prologue
“Freedom knows no past — to express yourself in freedom, you must die to everything of yesterday.” Bruce Lee (Striking thoughts)
Why Am I Traveling?
Contemplating this question, I remembered a scene from the movie “wanted”: the movie is about a regular guy that is suddenly recruited to an assassins organization. It’s not a masterpiece by any means… but it does deliver one point beautifully: the main character has no idea who he his and is suffering because of that.
The one scene that stuck with me from the movie is the “breakdown” scene: the main character is being questioned over and over about his motivation for changing his life until he eventually replies: “I don’t know who I am”.
“Knowing Myself”
How can I “know myself” through one context alone?
When I was 19 I faced my first battle with this question. I was swimming for a few years and was obsessed with becoming a competitive swimmer. The question: “Who will I be if not a competitive swimmer?” was a daunting one. At an arbitrary practice one day, I got a shoulder injury, and it completely shattered my dream. At that time I had a girlfriend that I was with from 19–21 and had known since I was a kid. When I was 21, that relationship has ended and I entered into a few years that I’ll fondly title: “the self-defense years”.
Dealing with the questions: “who will I be if not a swimmer?” and “who am I without that relationship?” created an emotional response that took 3 years to begin to crack. If there ever was a picture to describe those years it would be:
Taking chances after those 2 heartbreaks felt impossible. I spent the next few years doubling down my energy and my resources on becoming the greatest math tutor I could be. Taking absolutely zero chances in any other domain of my life. The question: “who will I be if not a math tutor? hadn’t crossed my mind for almost 7 years. This was my way to keep an internal equilibrium and anchor myself in an identity that seemed the most resilient. I only “knew myself” in the context of those life choices. Changing that major life choice meant I would have no clue who I am.
There is an existential dread that’s more than a concern for how to make a living, there is a deep identity issue: who am I if I’m not “this guy” anymore?
The “Who Are You” Program
Not knowing who you are is terrifying. We’re conditioned from the moment we’re born to know who we are. We have a set of introduction questions to help us “get to know” each other:
- What’s your name?
- How old are you?
- Where do you live?
- What do you do?
Although the first two are pretty easy to keep track on… the other two can change and sometimes don’t have a clear answer.
Change is a certainty in life, it comes via an external agent or an internal shift in emotions or thought processes. The obsession with having a clear identity can be a curse when facing a radical change. The second a change comes that threatens our sense of identity, we’re at the mercy of our on suffering pathology. If our system is conditioned to defend itself from change, we’ll be left thinking we should fight for ego survival with every piece of energy we have.
Most people today, when experiencing a massive change (a divorce, an injury…), will crumble and will have to be helped clinically for awhile. We simply lack the software to deal with life. No operating system for humans yet. It’s a personal battle, and nobody gets the fast lane with a secret formula (not that I know of).
The more I research my past experiences, I understand that in its core: suffering is a failure to adapt. My experience has led me to address this central adversity I was facing my entire life: failing to adapt to major life changes. I wanted to rewrite the software of my personality and was looking for the best platform for it.
Israel
Ever since I can remember myself I felt out of place.
Growing up in Israel was like having an animal in the wrong cage at the zoo: a penguin with the giraffes or a bear with the snakes…. made absolutely no sense. Powering through my early years in school was a daily existential struggle. The question: “why am I wasting my life in this way and in this place?” was a daily question for 12 years in the “education system”… or as I like to call it in Israel: “let’s train you to be lifeless until you have no fight in you anymore system” (long name I know(: but a fitting one).
Holidays, costumes, institutions, political parties… nothing. Nothing is for me there, and growing up so lonely and feeling like an outcast and a misfit was a miserable feeling. No one should grow up without a tribe. No one.
Growing up without a sense of belonging and a sense of harmony with your surroundings is a guaranteed way to lose hope and happiness. Traveling this year has ignited parts in me that were crying for nourishment for 25 years.
The need to deconstruct the identity I built for 25 years was a matter of life or zombie. Yes!… Life or Zombie. This wasn’t a life or death situation: I wasn’t hungry for food in Africa or held hostage in North Korea. I was walking through life half living, knowing there has to be more out there for me and it’s my responsibility to get me there.
“Solo traveling” seemed to be the ticket out of my previous identity.
A Year Of Traveling
After 10 months from this year being on the “road”, I just turned 26 this week. In the next post, I’ll share my thoughts on “Solo traveling”, the challenges it offers, and how this year has been transforming my character.
If you resonate with this post in any way: you’re welcome to comment or reach out to me on Facebook (Harel Etzion or the Blog’s Page: https://www.facebook.com/vagaex/), I’m interested in hearing about experiences with solo traveling.
