How many times have you had a bloody broken heart? Once? Twice? Countless times? Well, if you’re my age and you still haven’t, that’s a shame. It’s not a very pleasant experience as we all know, but, as the British poet Alfred Lord Tennyson said, “ ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Did I hear you say, cheesy? Yeah? Well, that’s heartbreak for you.
So, how did that separation from a former love of your life make you feel? An unknown author wrote, “A broken heart is the worst. It’s like having broken ribs. Nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe.” Was it like that for you too? Or, did it feel like a gallon of sulphuric acid was being poured into your throat, eating away what’s left of your insides? Okay, that’s obscene and over the top. But then again, we’re talking about agonizing heartbreaks.
Having a broken heart is excruciatingly painful. Your poor, devastated heart bitterly quivers in its cage. You get overwhelmed with regrets, doubts, and extreme sadness. You cry for days on end. You feel as though you got robbed of something priceless that had lots of potentials to flourish beautifully. Every little thing reminds you of them, making it harder to forget and move on.
Oh, how you miss their face, their laughter, their silly habits that used to both annoy and entertain you. You yearn to be close to them and be in their warm embrace once more. You weep and wish they come back and put an end to your misery. However, they’re gone, and loneliness becomes your cold but most loyal companion.
“The broken heart. You think you will die, but you keep living, day after day after a terrible day.”– Charles Dickens.
I’m not an enlightened love guru. Neither am I a lucky possessor of a heart made of steel or stone. However, just like most people my age, I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks. Thankfully, I was supported and counseled by thoughtful family and friends. I’ve paid it forward by comforting many acquaintances and even strangers who were too vulnerable to hide their agony and were quite willing to be advised.
My experiences and other people’s enabled me to come up with this honest but scathing cure to heartaches. Bitter pills to swallow as they may be, but these are the 7 harsh truths I wish to impart to others whose hearts are currently aching and need mending:
1. It’s going to hurt, like hell.
That’s right, you can’t avoid getting through the pain, but the good news is, it won’t stay. It will eventually vanish. It’s like the flu that has to run its course. You’ll be miserable for weeks and probably months, but it won’t last forever. You have to keep in mind that it’s not permanent. Your grief and loneliness will fade away sooner or later. Just grieve, cry it out. It won’t bother you anymore once you pass this stage.
“I can’t live anymore. It’s too much. I don’t know how I’ll survive this.”
Oh, you will. Again, cry it out, sob, wail, scream! Go through the grieving process, and you’ll be fine.
To quote one of the best poets of all time, Robert Frost — “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
2. There’s no such thing as closure so stop waiting for it.
“Closure has come to me myself
You will never belong to me
The closure has come to my myself.
You will never belong to me …”
That’s from the song Closure by Chevelle.
The song says it all. When a person decides to put an end to their relationship with you, that’s it. There’s no love left for you anymore. What used to burn like fire got extinguished and impossible to get re-ignited.
There’s a saying that goes, “you mostly hurt the ones you love.” It doesn’t apply in this case, so please don’t use it to justify their actions. They’ve quit on you. They’ve felt the need to move on with their life, not with you but without you. Let that sink in, and let that be the closure you keep on waiting for.
It’s done. Stop chasing a lost cause.
3. It’s finished. Stop Googling How to get back with your ex or how soon before your ex contacts you, or why your ex broke up with you.
“It says here give it a few days and he’ll contact me. Maybe he’ll explain everything. I just need some answers. I’m so confused. I thought he loved me and would never leave me. How can I get him back?”
You’re only torturing yourself with false hope. You’re prolonging your suffering, which is useless. They’ve already severed ties with you, and no amount of how-to articles can bring them back. The best thing you can do is get off the Internet and discontinue throwing away valuable hours looking at ways to appease an abandoner. Whatever their reasons are shouldn’t be of importance to you now. It’s tough to accept, but the truth is, they’re done with you, so you aren’t together anymore. As Tupac Shakur mentioned;
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…, or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”
4. It’s done. It’s over. Stop waiting for their text or call.
Ditch your phone and avoid social media while you’re still aching. They’re not going to text or call you. When they do, don’t entertain it. It usually ends in disaster. The relationship ended because it had to. Communicating so soon can only aggravate an already fragile situation. Don’t text or call them, hoping they’ll come running back to you. Don’t waste your precious time waiting for a reconciliatory message or a call that might never come.
Let it go. What’s done is done. It’s adios mi amor.
5. They’re not that into you.
You must have read the book or seen the movie? One of my sisters didn’t like the film. She thinks there are many reasons why a person ends a relationship.
According to her, maybe they have personal problems or are scared of commitment due to past relationship woes, etc. Yes, I think she’s got valid points, but at the same time, I still believe that the person who dumped you is not 100% into you.
There’s no burning desire to be with you nor undying affection or devotion to you because they don’t have these feelings for you. Period. There’s no intention to take it to the next level because they aren’t into you. They don’t like you enough. It’s plain and simple.
It is a bitter pill to swallow, but you really can’t blame them, especially if they’d been honest about it right away instead of stringing you along. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t harbor the same feelings as yours anyway.
6. Feelings change over time.
Yes, you must have done everything you could to appease them. You’ve sacrificed your own time and happiness to see them fulfill their dreams. You forgot about yourself in the process of loving them, and yet, they’ve chosen to be with someone else. It’s harsh, but feelings change over time, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The most hurtful fact is that you can’t make anybody love you no matter what you do. You can’t force anyone to stay.
What’s good about it is that the relationship had to cease to allow you to meet the right person for you. That ex of yours belongs to someone else, and so do you. Someone much better will come along and if it doesn’t happen, be at peace with the thought that your time isn’t getting squandered by forcing a bond with the wrong partner.
It’s the end. Move forwards.
7. Rejection sucks, but it is a part of life.
We sometimes get spoilt by the way things get done in our favor. Disappointments barely come by, so we get this notion that nothing can go wrong, and no one can refuse us.
“ I gave him everything I could. We were very happy together. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. How could he break up with me? What have I done wrong?
While I understand the importance of getting these questions answered, I believe that obtaining them is a futile attempt. You’ll probably hear half-truths if not blatant lies. You’re only subjecting yourself to everlasting agony.
So, are you hurting because you love this person who dismissed you? Or, is it because you hate being rejected?
Either way, I’m sure we all agree that rejection can be the source of unexplainable pain, but whether we like it or not, it’s going to happen now and then as long as we’re alive.
“Why can’t we all be like that dude from Pirates of the Caribbean?”
“The one who took his heart out, encased it in an iron chest and tossed it into the ocean. We won’t have to feel any heartaches, we won’t get affected by sad goodbyes.”~Angela
Well, no, Angela, we just can’t. Although it could seem like the life we now lead is stranger than fiction, this is still our reality. We got created with this most vital, beating organ shattered by goodbyes, rejections, and failures. At the same time, it rejoices at the faintest glimmer of hope and good spirits. How should one know the difference between joy and sorrow if that which recognizes these emotions could be detached and thrown into the vast and deep sea?
I grew up having zero interest in love stories or anything associated with romantic relationships. Hence, I started late in the dating world. Going through my first heartbreak was debilitating. I wasn’t prepared to stand the deluge of such powerful emotions. It seemed like it was the end of it all. How could my mama keep these cold, hard truths from me? I could have been better equipped!
No, I’m not blaming my mama. She’s had a lot on her plate raising her children. The fact is, I’m glad to have found out by myself what my sister Novelyn calls cruel realities. Now, rejections don’t shake me as much anymore.
The heart has its way of healing, and I believe that we need to acknowledge life’s bitter truths to help it cope sooner.