How Do I Look? — Part 2
Five things your partner wants to know from you
In a long-term relationship, there are certain things that most women, no matter how self-confident, want to hear from their partners. It isn’t mandatory to say these things in a relationship, and you don’t need to lavish compliments on your partner every day, but they sure do go a long way to strengthening the connection that you have.
She’s beautiful, to you.
No, we don’t need to know that you think we look like a supermodel, or that every man in the world would find us irresistible. We need to know that some combination of our appearance, personality, and general being makes us beautiful to you. Just you. We don’t need to know the exact breakdown of appearance versus personality. We don’t need to hear it every day. We just need to hear it sometimes.
We want to know that seeing us gives you a little thrill. If you can’t cough up the words “you’re beautiful” to your partner once every ten years or so, and mean it, then I’m not sure you’re in the right relationship.
It’s okay to look okay (and okay is great).
It’s virtually impossible to always look your absolute best, not to mention time-consuming, expensive, and to what end. There are lots of legitimate reasons women don’t always look their best. We get sick, have hangovers, have zits, go grey, feel bloated, gain weight, lose weight. We have to clean bathrooms, exercise, give birth to babies, take care of babies, and work for a living. There are lots of times when it’s practical to go makeup-free with our unwashed hair in a ponytail wearing sweats.
We need to know that it’s okay not to go all out with our appearance all the time, that you love and admire us for being who we are, not how we look. That doesn’t mean encouraging your partner to make zero effort one hundred percent of the time (although when sick, it might), but it means somehow giving her the message that its perfectly okay to look okay, and that to you, okay is great.
You value her comfort.
Thong underwear, push-up bras, super tight jeans, and high heels are uncomfortable to most women. Sure, they might result in a look that is conventionally sexy. And some of us might wear those things some of the time, or a lot of the time. But we want to know that you have truly contemplated how ridiculous, uncomfortable, and impractical some of the things that women are expected to wear are, that you want us to feel comfortable, and that you think feeling happy and relaxed is more important than looking hot.
I’m convinced sometimes that the fashion industry is controlled by people who hate women. If men had to totter about in some of the things that are supposedly in style and make women look sexy, things would change quickly. I’m not opposed to wearing sexy things sometimes, and comfortable does not mean sloppy or dowdy, but it’s also important to know that my partner genuinely wants me to be comfortable.
You won’t comment on things that are just your slight preference.
Maybe you have a mild preference for your partner in a certain color. Maybe you think a certain pair of pants make her look slightly heavier. Or you like her hair straight rather than curly. Before you say anything, even in response to a direct query, ask yourself does it really matter? Is the difference between how your partner looks in this color and another color, or in a different pair of pants really that significant? Are you even sure of the difference?
If you aren’t sure or the difference is slight, don’t comment. Women internalize your comments and rarely forget them. An offhand remark that you prefer our hair straight will make us wonder every time we wear it curly if it looks terrible, even if that’s not what you meant. And your taste isn’t everyone’s taste.
Shows like “What Not to Wear” aside, most people are pretty decent at figuring out what they look best in and will over time wear that eighty to ninety percent of the time. And clothes go out of style, and people change. You have no idea why she chose the outfit that she did — maybe she’s trying to save money, maybe it’s a comfort thing, maybe it’s green shirt day at work. Do you really want to undermine a relationship because you don’t like an outfit that she wears once a month for a few years?
If you think it really matters, and she’s consistently wearing things that you are certain do not make her look her best, one option here is to wait until she’s wearing something comfortable that you like, and simply tell her how great she looks. Don’t draw comparisons with, or even mention, the outfit that you don’t like. If you do that consistently over time, maybe she’ll start to trend towards outfits that you think are more flattering… maybe. And maybe it doesn’t matter.
You will tell your partner if it’s something that is going to cause embarrassment or discomfort.
Does your partner have broccoli in her teeth, or toilet paper hanging out of her nylons? Did she forget her pants? If it’s embarrassing, please intervene. Please tell us gently, tactfully,and for god sake if you can, privately. Maybe even develop a signal, like touching your ear, so you can alert your partner that she should go and check her look in the mirror.
Likewise, if you have information about where you are going and what you are going to be doing that she doesn’t, it may be important to share. Is it way colder out than it looks? Are you going for a strenuous two-hour hike and she’s wearing flip-flops? Touching your ear might not convey quite what you need to, but tact and kindness go a long way here.
In short
I wrote before about no longer asking my partner how I look, about being the arbiter of my own appearance, and for the most part that is true. I chose that path after years of not getting the feedback that I really want. But there are other ways. Ultimately it’s simple, women want to know that we look good to our partners, but that they respect and understand the need for comfort and practicality. We also want to know if there’s spinach in our teeth.
