How I Got My Orgasm Back
Understanding your body’s signs
As we age, go through menopause, or hormone changes, women may think it’s only natural their enjoyment of sex diminish. But are your hormones the culprit?
Finding a hormonal balance can be a bit like pin the tail on the donkey. Remember that game? After a total hysterectomy, it took me about three years after my surgery to feel balanced. It was around that time that I entered into a long-term relationship.
After we moved in together, I began to have stomach problems. I’d developed food sensitivities and had to change my diet. I thought it was stress because of the new job I started or my developing sleeping troubles. I’m a light sleeper and my partner snored heavily, so I wasn’t getting quality sleep. Eventually I gave up on sharing a bed and slept in the guest room.
There are cases for and against sleeping in separate beds in relationships. For me, it was the only way I could get any sleep, but it also challenged our intimacy. We accepted the fact that we weren’t compatible sleepers and opted for separate bedrooms when we moved to the mountains.
Despite the separate rooms, insomnia and fatigue took over my body. Bloodwork showed that my body was under extreme stress. My hormone therapy had to change. Your hormones are such an important part of your body that even small changes have big effects. My body needed an overhaul.
Life isn’t supposed to be a struggle. You have to pay attention to the signs that something is wrong.
Health concerns can strain even the best relationships. Mine was a roller coaster at that time. My body was struggling and my relationship fractured after years of unresolved conflict. I blamed living in the the high altitude of the mountains. So we moved to low altitude and hoped for the best.
Sometimes a change is all you need. My insomnia went away and we were sharing a bed again with success. Life was looking up.
However, after a few months, when we had sex, I couldn’t climax. What do you do when you’re faced with a sexual obstacle? We welcomed my vibrator into the bed. It was a finishing touch that proved useless. The only result was frustration and skin irritation from prolonged use.
Where had my orgasm gone
Was it because I was no longer taking testosterone? Do you have to have testosterone to have an orgasm? Google said no. Was it because of my partner? I didn’t get the foreplay and passion that I wanted.
But what about my vibrator? Historically, it was reliable to get me to the goal. Your body changes and no two women are alike. Other women in their 40’s hit their sexual peak, but that wasn’t the path I was on.
Sometimes you have to accept what is. So I accepted that I could no longer have an orgasm. There are more important things in life than sex.
Then I received a phone call that unraveled my world.
Unearthed passions
I was watching a series on Netflix called Outlander. The love and passion of the two main characters made me yearn for that type of connection, passion, and love. I won’t spoil anything if you haven’t seen the show, but I didn’t have that connection with my partner.
One day while working, my phone rang and it was a guy that I hadn’t talked to in about fifteen years. I’ll call him Michael. Imagine my shocked face as I held the phone, gazing wide-eyed at the screen, my heart pounding in my chest. I didn’t want to answer the call at first, but when he immediately called again, I answered.
I was too shocked to say much to him, but he rambled on and told me how much I affected his life and apologized for things that happened between us. After I got off the phone with him, my emotions flooded through me.
Michael was the guy with whom I’d had the most passionate sex of my life. He was the embodiment of the love the characters had on Outlander. Was this a cruel joke from the Universe? My mind swarmed to find meaning and the reason he decided to call me after all this time.
The first time Michael and I had sex we climaxed at the same time. We were in our twenties and had a special connection beyond the physical. I wanted him all the time because when we were together, the world felt right. I was in a higher state of being. He read me like a book he knew every word to. I was his, but he wasn’t always mine because Michael was married.
Reflections of desire
As my 40-something self reflected on the crash and burn that happened from that relationship, I reflected on the fact that I wanted my orgasm. I didn’t want to accept that I could no longer have one. How could I have such amazing and passionate sex with someone in the past, but I couldn’t in the present? It didn’t make any sense.
I talked to Michael more and went through a period of confusion as to why he had resurfaced. There was something that I needed to learn.
I felt my heart yearn for him in a way that I never yearned for my partner of almost ten years. Here was my Outlander relationship staring me in the face, while I was sitting in the cold bathwater of my current relationship.
My relationship with Michael was far from perfect and also karmically not good, which I paid for later. But that didn’t subtract from the fact that my pleasure factor was intense then. What was different about that relationship than my current relationship?
I’d focused on the external validation for the continuation of my relationship and ignored internal signs to leave. Over the years of compromise and trying to avoid conflict, I’d lost my identity. If you’re a people pleaser, then you understand the balancing act you do to keep everyone around you happy.
When I talked to Michael, that independent girl peaked her head out, reminding me she was still inside.
Life can throw you a curve ball or rattle you to make you change
Michael was a spark that created a fire in me. There are people that give you energy and build you up, and there are those that consume your energy and tear you down.
I’d spent ten years being consumed and torn down. The disappearance of my orgasm was a wake up call from my body, and the reappearance of Michael in my life was a reminder of the pleasure that my body was capable of experiencing.
Throughout my healing journey, I changed my diet, my hormone therapy, my job, where I lived, but not my partner. Everything is always so clear in hindsight.
My body had been sending me signals for years and I ignored them. I spent so much time addressing the symptom and not the root cause. I understood more that the relationship was not healthy and it needed to end. But I was terrified because I didn’t know who I was without the relationship.
When you spend almost a decade building a life with a person, it isn’t easy to walk away.
Ending the relationship
The day we decided to end the relationship, my partner asked to talk. We’d not been speaking for several weeks because I realized I hadn’t forgiven him for cheating on me like I thought I did.
You can accept something under the disguise of forgiveness when in reality it’s your survival kicking in.
He told me he was going to move to another state. He didn’t think I wanted the relationship anymore and asked what I thought. I nodded my head in agreement. The intense feelings that arose within me were unexpected. My body filled with joy and a smile wanted to appear on my face. But I held my composure and sat very still instead.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to sit there and let your world change around you.
Let the pieces fall away and not hold onto something that isn’t right for you.
I will never forget that moment because it was another sign from my body. A sign that this was the way forward, what my body had been wanting…freedom.
A new chapter
My path forward was unclear, unknown and it was exciting. I began writing in a journal during this time to process my emotions. I purchased online training courses for my mind and body. I listened to music once again after giving it up because it overwhelmed my nervous system.
The first time I played music in my apartment, I laid on the floor in the living room crying. I didn’t feel overwhelmed and I was grateful. Another sign from my body.
In the absence of that relationship, my nervous system, body, and mind relaxed, and I could feel the amount of stress I lived with melt away. If you live in a state of fear or repress your emotions, that energy turns inward creating dis-ease in your body.
You may be afraid of being labeled “too emotional” by others, but their lack of awareness is the problem not you. Emotions are a natural part of the human experience, but they need to move.
If you feel the emotion without attachment, it will pass through your body much quicker than pretending you don’t feel what you’re feeling. I finally felt free to feel my emotions and express them in a healthy way without judgment.
Orgasm on the horizon
While cleaning out my closet one day, I saw my vibrator there, tucked away. It had been almost two years since the disappearance of my orgasm. I decided that when my body signaled to me that she wanted sex again, I would take out my vibrator and give it a go.
Several months after my return to single life, I woke up one morning after dreaming about the sex I had with Michael back in the day. The memories were great foreplay, and I smiled as I got up to retrieve my vibrator. I had a movie playing in my head and I wanted to capture the moment.
I got back in bed, closed my eyes and visualized Michael’s movements, his body, the connection of our body parts, the sensations of my skin as he caressed me. I felt a stirring deep within me….pleasure.
My muscles contracted in that beautiful way they do, and I welcomed my orgasm. Afterwards, I laid there laughing, mentally thanking Michael for the memories.
Listen to your body
You may have your own reasons for staying in situations that are not healthy for you. Fear and sex are powerful motivators.
Your body is intelligent and listening to it is the key to your health, including your sexual health. Your body speaks to you in whispers and then it screams.
Losing my orgasm was a scream that I’m glad I finally listened to.
You can refuse to believe something because you want a situation to work out another way, but that doesn’t change the fact that it may be wrong for you. Whether it’s a job, a partner, a food, listen to your body and pay attention to the signs it’s sending you.
I had to change my life to bring back parts of me that I lost over time.
I had to change my life, not my hormones, to bring back my orgasm.
In case you’re wondering, Michael and I are only friends and we don’t speak often. He has his life and I have mine, but I’ll always be grateful for him and the role he played in my journey.
As women we can lose ourselves in the service and well-being of others, sabotaging our own health and happiness. Where are you ignoring the signs your body is giving you? Where are you shutting down instead of standing up?
