How To Live Again After Financial Abuse
Switch your thinking from surviving to thriving
I lost a lot due to domestic violence. I lost my possessions, my career, my identity, my friends and family.
My ex controlled every part of my life. What I wore, my haircuts, what I spent my money on, what jobs I applied for or accepted, who my friends could be, my hobbies, the list goes on.
When I first tried to leave my ex, I lost all my possessions and took a big financial hit. As a result of this, I was homeless, jobless, and lived in a few t-shirts and shorts on rotation.
I remember being so poor I couldn’t afford new socks or undies, so when they were all dirty (which happened every 2–3 days), I went without.
Clothes became a means of survival, not for self-expression or to bring joy. A new 5-pack of undies was a luxury, in my mind.
Not anymore.
It’s now one year since I escaped that abusive relationship, and I’m proud to say my money is my own. Now I spend my money on making my life better and easier.
I choose how to style my hair and what clothes to put on my body. I eat in abundance and always have socks and undies to choose from.
Just recently I bought a beautiful dark blue satin dress for a friend’s wedding, and a real white pearl necklace to match. One year ago I didn’t think I deserved nice clothes.
Now, I have two jobs I love, as a writer and rock climbing instructor, genuine friendships, and have never looked or felt healthier.
I am thriving, not surviving. I am empowered.
How did I do it?
3 steps, my friend, and you too can feel just as empowered as I do now.
1. Leave the abuser (if not already)
I hope you can skip this step, because you have already left and are well on your road to recovery.
If you haven’t, I’m not here to judge you or tell you what to do. I am here to create a safe space for you online to feel less alone.
I will support you no matter your decision.
You are reading this article for a reason. Your gut is telling you something, and, speaking from experience, I implore you to listen to it.
Therapy saved my life. If you only do one thing after reading this article, make it that you contact a therapist.
Find the right therapist for you, and your life with change for the better. I promise you.
2. Accept your life/what happened to you
This is not your fault.
Read that first line again.
Did you read it? Go on.
Now read it once more. Believe it.
Self acceptance is a big one. Shifting the blame to the abuser, instead of yourself, is paramount to thriving instead of surviving.
What happened to me was awful. I suffer from PTSD because of the sex trauma inflicted on me by my ex-partner. I live with this every day.
I experience flashbacks of being raped, while having consensual sex with my new lover.
It’s hard, for sure. Sometimes I feel I can’t keep going, but then, somehow, I do. I’m still here.
Now, I accept what happened to me was not my fault. I do not blame myself.
3. Find home
Find a safe, warm, comforting place to call home. Ideally with positive housemates who are living the life you want and support your dreams.
Find a job you actually enjoy. Your colleagues are important. You’ll spend a lot of time with them, so it’s essential you enjoy their company.
Find your “people”. Your community. Even just one person who understands and supports you will make a positive difference. We all need help sometimes, and this person or people will give you the support you need.
Build a $1000 safety net. This will give you peace of mind and help you feel more secure and stable. You are safe now. Your money is your own. Seeing that $1000 in your account will help keep you calm. Will give you a sense of freedom. Will give you a sense of security.
Find a hobby you can do yourself. For me, I love roller skating, rock climbing, writing, reading and swimming. I don’t do all these things every week. Sometimes I go months without doing one, and that’s okay! The point is to take time off “life” and do something fun for yourself.
It’s taken time, therapy, a new lover, and confiding in genuine friends to get me to this point.
Reflecting on the Tegan in December 2019 and the Tegan presently, I can see how far I’ve come.
I still have a lot of healing to do. The steps above helped me get to this point, and I’m hoping it will help you in some way too.
Know you are not alone. While all our experiences are different, we can still understand and relate to each other.
I wish you the best in your journey.
