How to Tell a New Partner You Were Abused
6 easy-to-follow steps
You are a super hero.
You survived something traumatic and opened yourself to love again and that is incredible.
Now you feel it might be time to share your traumatic past with them.
Talking to a romantic partner about what happened to you won’t be easy.
It doesn’t matter if it was a stand-alone event, or years of abuse.
It doesn’t matter if it happened months, years or decades ago.
It also doesn’t matter if you’re at the beginning of your relationship with this person, or if you’ve been married for fifteen years.
There are no rules when it comes to disclosing abuse.
1. Should you tell them?
The decision to disclose is a personal one.
Remember you don’t have to say anything. Yes, even if you are married. You are not obligated to share your story with anyone, no matter who they are.
This is your personal story. Anyone you do tell should feel honoured you are sharing your story with them. This includes therapists, family members, and your romantic partner.
Remember what happened to you is not your fault.
Ask yourself why you want to tell them. There are no right or wrong answers. Listen to your intuition, your heart, and follow it.
2. How should you tell them?
Remember it’s not always easy to disclose abuse to anyone, including your partner.
No one should expect you to disclose personal trauma with a straight face, as if you’re talking about the weather.
Think about what you want to say beforehand.
It can help to write down what you want to say. It might give you a boost of confidence and curb some nerves.
Discuss your plan, thoughts and concerns with a therapist, if you don’t have one already. Or with someone who knows your story, has your back, and your trust.
Above all, be kind to yourself.
If you go to tell them and back out, that’s alright. You can try again another time. If you’ve changed your mind altogether that’s okay too.
If you start to tell them and get upset or angry or are interrupted no worries! You can try again later.
You are in control of the situation. Remember this is your story.
3. What should you say?
If it’s your first time talking about the abuse, prepare yourself for a wide range of emotions.
If you wrote out what you wanted to say, and go off script, that’s fine. Just make sure you only disclose what you are comfortable with.
Keeping it short and to the point can work well, making it clear where your boundaries lie.
You can say something like…
“There’s something I want to tell you that’s hard for me to talk about. I need you to just listen and not interrupt until I’m done.”
If you’re not ready to answer questions, tell your partner.
If you feel scared, uneasy, sad, angry, (fill in the blank) about disclosing, share those feelings with your partner.
You’re a warrior and you’ve come so far. Your partner should give you the time and space to share your personal story. Take your time, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
4. When should you tell?
When you know your partner well enough to trust them with something so delicate.
As for time, make sure you choose a moment when your partner is able to give you their full attention. There should be zero distractions.
You might feel re-traumatised during or after you tell them. Again, totally normal. Especially if it’s the first time you’re saying the words out loud.
You might not want to be touched afterwards and that’s okay too. Whatever you want or feel during or after disclosing, is perfectly normal. Listen to yourself.
Disclosing can bring you both closer and can also feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. It can also feel terrifying and re-traumatising.
It might be a good idea to free up the rest of the day or evening so you can spend time together afterwards. Or if you want to be alone that’s okay too. Disclosing can and most likely will take a lot of energy, so it’s important to give space to rest.
5. Where should you tell?
A private space you feel comfortable in, if you want to say it face-to-face.
If you’d prefer to disclose on the phone, via text, or write a letter, that’s fine too. The best way to tell your partner is the way that makes you feel most at ease.
Just remember to make your boundaries clear. If you don’t want to answer their questions right away, tell them.
There is a chance they might not know how to react, or react with high emotion, or be stunned.
It’s not your job to know or predict their reactions. It’s also not your job to comfort them. You deserve to be comforted and supported.
If your partner reacts in a way you don’t like, get yourself to a safe space and phone a friend or your therapist.
You need to take care of yourself. You’ve been through enough. Give them space to cool down and/or process their emotions.
You deserve to be listened to and supported when you share your story.
There is no normal way for your partner to respond. However, supportive replies should be along the lines of:
“I believe you.”
“I am here for you.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
If they start asking questions that make you feel uncomfortable or sound like blaming or disbelief, tell them you don’t want to answer those. You just want to hear they love you, support you, believe you.
You don’t owe them any explanations for what happened. It happened. You’re telling them. You deserve respect and kindness for sharing your story.
6. Is there a way to tell them without telling them?
This might be a confusing question but hear me out.
What I mean by this is, is there a way to disclose without saying “I was abused”?
Yes, there is.
If they do something that triggers you, you can say:
“I don’t like it when you (blank) because of something that happened to me in my past.”
Or:
“I’m in therapy because of something that happened to me in my past.”
Or:
“Sometimes I get sad and need time alone because of a bad relationship in my past.”
When the time comes, you will find your own words and it will flow the way it’s meant to. You are so much more than what happened to you. This is one part of your life.
Your new partner fell in love with all of you. You deserve to share your story when you are ready, on your own terms, and in your own unique way.
Sending kindness and courage into your heart. I believe in you.
