Let’s Not Kill Chivalry; Let’s Redefine It
Navigating the shift from outdated traditions to mutual respect and authentic connection
Dictionary.com defines chivalry as:
“The sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor and dexterity in arms.”
They are the rules and customs of medieval knighthood, and like every other good idea humans have had about how to treat one another, chivalry has been corrupted by those with more nefarious intentions. Rather than it being something one should just do to treat another human with respect and consideration, it’s become that thing men gotta do if they want to get laid.
Okay, that may not be the motive in every case where chivalry is used, but it certainly is used by many men when it’s a situation where they are looking to impress a woman just enough to get in her pants.
This is why many guys are getting their boxers in a bundle, because more and more women are on to them.
Why chivalry is dying
If you think of it that way, certainly you can see why people say chivalry is dead. Men don’t want to bother wasting their time and energy respecting women with considerate behavior because they believe women don’t “appreciate” it.
What they don’t understand is that women have been burned too many times by “chivalrous” men intent on manipulating them, that the behavior has become like the American flag is to Black Lives Matter (BLM) supporters: a sign of racist/sexist attitudes lightly glossed over to hide the vicious intent of a deeply insecure person.
Perhaps that’s not fair, either. Some people who do understand human rights and live by the motto “live and let live,” simply love their country and therefore display the American flag. However, in these times, so much is just not what it seems and if you’re not on your toes, any damn thing can happen from a bad date to death.
It’s important that you not blow this off as a passing thing
We all need to take greater care and have compassion for where another’s mind may be going when interacting with people because fear underscores all our thinking.
Being a Yankee who’s now living in Texas, when I was on the dating sites, if I saw a man’s profile declaring that he’s a “Southern gentleman,” it signaled a hard pass for me. My twitching at that presumably innocuous asset in a man’s characterization of himself is a sign that men should take to heart.
The overturning of Roe v. Wade is affecting how we think about dating
And it’s not in the way the patriarchy anticipated.
It’s happening, guys, no matter how sweet your smile or gentle your touch, the bottom line is that women’s rights have been taken away, and it’s scary as hell, especially to single women.
This is why women are taking themselves away from you. We don’t need to be obnoxious about it. We just need to make a decision — rooted in self-love — to no longer tolerate your antiquated attitudes, and more of us are doing just that. This is why many women are deciding that dating the vast majority of you just isn’t worth it anymore.
Women are waking up to what it means to love ourselves. If you want to be in our company, you’d best follow suit.
If you want the company of a woman, you’ll need to reconsider how you think about women
Because treating a woman properly isn’t about picking up the tab, pulling out our chairs, or tolerating us as we drone on about our day. It’s also not about satisfying us in bed, or telling us we’re beautiful, and it certainly isn’t about your idea of what “taking care” of us looks like as if we’re helpless.
Sorry guys, I know that’s what you were taught. I know that’s the presumed manner in how to treat a woman, but too often it signals to us the extreme possibility that your intentions are not in our best interest. These chivalrous gestures are used by any ol’ love-bombing narcissist that end up being manipulative, so we need to see genuine behavior and commentary that comes from your heart.
If you have any expectation that what you are doing or saying will get us to bend to your will, you’re coming from the wrong place. Those of us who are more aware — and our numbers are growing exponentially — will feel anything from a subtle tug that something is off with you and be aloof, or flat-out tell you to fuck off.
I also know that it pisses you off that we are changing the rules, so you’re searching for passive-aggressive ways to retaliate, which — at best — boils down to you whining at us. But this is what women need to do to protect ourselves, and if that’s overly dramatic, or annoying to you, then get used to being single.
Women of today are evolving on a massive scale, so men will need to follow us or continue being frustrated in regard to dating. This is the crux of why dating sites are so awful. The women who get it are getting extremely picky or just opting out, so you’re left with the women who don’t — and their unloving selves are just as much of a problem as the man who doesn’t understand self-love.
It’s our turn
I’d feel sorry for you if it weren’t for the fact that it’s our turn.
Not that it’s our turn to be abusive or manipulate you for our gain, or berate you into submission. It’s our turn to heal. It’s our turn to be who we are without apologies. It’s our turn to love ourselves — and the collective feminine — into being the very best version of ourselves, and maybe — if you’re ready to stop whining — we can show you how it’s done.
The contemporary man needs to grow up. He needs to find himself so that he’s not looking to women to validate him with sex. He needs to understand that a physical relationship is not his god-given right. He needs to dig into his heart to understand who he is and what his heart wants, not just his libido.
I’m being harsh, and that may feel unfair to those of you who truly are looking for a mutually loving and long-term relationship. But then you need to be really, really, honest with yourself.
Are you actually looking for love? Or do you believe you need to get laid and are conflating it with love?
Because when your profile says you’re looking for a “soul mate,” and you expect me to get into bed with you on the first date or two because, “Life is too short and we deserve to have fun;” or “Sexual compatibility is important so we should know if we are;” or for us older women, “It’s not like you’re going to get pregnant so why the hell not?”
Then you’re not getting it. Like, at all.
There is a simple solution, but it’s going to take work
A mutually loving, physical relationship is what naturally comes when two people love and respect themselves first. Once we love who we are, then we can be confident that we are making decisions that are in our best interest.
If we love ourselves first, and then find ourselves with someone who questions our decisions or feels the need to persuade us to do what they want despite our reasonable explanation as to why we don’t want to, then we can say “no” and walk away, confident that someone more suited to us will come along.
If a man loves himself first, then he doesn’t need to control a woman and coerce her into fulfilling his desires, and he can be confident that his mortality is not connected to his ability to have sex. If a woman is not compatible with him emotionally, spiritually, or intellectually, then he can walk away, confident that someone more suited to him will come along.
Fear is what drives controlling behavior and love is the opposite of fear.
Maybe your self-loving self needs to be polyamorous, then get clear on why that’s what you want — make sure it’s not tied to your self-worth to have many lovers — and find women who are genuinely into that. Then it would actually be repulsive to you to find one you’re attracted to and have to coerce her into your game because you respect yourself to not play games with people’s emotions. Just have enough respect for both of you and find the right people. (Although, I suspect that’s a tough one in these times.)
Times are definitely changing because they need to
I’m hearing it, reading and feeling it myself; women don’t want casual sex anymore. I’m not even sure many of us ever did. We just went along with your, “love the one you’re with” bullshit because we believed we had to.
But now, now that our rights have been taken away and the consequences of being forever bonded through an unwanted pregnancy with a man who doesn’t unconditionally love himself, whose insecurities will eventually reveal themselves through whiny, judgy, passive-aggressive comments and behaviors, is extremely unsexy.
Even if we are not of childbearing age, the overturning of Roe v. Wade has been a massive wake-up call as to how little men actually value us. Even if you had nothing to do with the decision, or don’t agree with it, you’ve been complicit, you’ve allowed it to happen.
You’ve been lazy in your emotional and spiritual development. Even if you are genuinely not the perpetrator (again, be honest with yourself) you’ve been letting other men’s abhorrent behavior slide, and we’re not going to tolerate any of it anymore.
The culture of dehumanizing women has to end and women need to demand higher-order behavior from men
And hurry up!
Relationships are too important for our humanity to thrive and grow, and sex is not only awesome, it’s a spiritually key part of relationships. We want to have sex, but if it’s not safe in every possible way, forget it. A self-loving woman will only have sex with the right person for the right reasons in a mutually loving, respectful, committed relationship. She needs to be with someone who gets her, doesn’t judge her, and loves her unconditionally. Ultimately, that will be someone who treats themselves with the love and respect with which she wants to be treated.
A self-loving woman won’t settle for less.
So, let’s redefine chivalry
A practice of genuine consideration and respect without promises or expectations aimed at connecting to another human for the purpose of participation in the evolution of one another.
Now that makes me hot.
