Why Childless Cat Ladies Aren’t Good for the Patriarchy
The truth about cats, dogs, and kids
For nearly two decades, I was a childless cat lady. During this time I enjoyed a creative career, dynamic relationships, and international vacations. It was a real Hollywood film. Now I spend my days cooking and cleaning.
Crazy, right? Why would I trade all that for domestic labor— that I don’t even get paid to do!?
Maybe it’s the patriarchy who indoctrinated me into childbearing. Maybe it was my mother, or that book series, The Babysitter’s Club. Maybe it was the Cosby’s or my ovaries. Probably all of the above, and more.
Now I sit on my bed, surrounded by heaps of laundry. (This is my break from watching the children.) The dog licks her paws in the corner. Slurp, slurp, slurp. My nervous system needs a tune down.
“Stop it. You’re fine. You’re clean,” I say to Pippi. She moves onto her inner thigh. Ugh.
I know life with two dogs and two kids looks pretty glamorous in those picture frames and family movies, but it’s quite a bit of smoke and mirrors. Marketing de la patriarchy. The life of a mom and housewife is not glamorous. It’s work.
Glamor? As a feline-friendly single person, I was drowning in it! I ate at nice restaurants and went to concerts. I flipped homes with disposable income and sweat equity. I had hobbies, adventures, and hot sex. Let’s face it, from age 20 to 36, I was a childless cat queen!
Gulliver (the OG), lived until I was 39, through college, my career, vanlife, and starting a family. We moved from the east coast to the west coast and back together. His brother, Bleu (my boy) was there for most of it too. Those guys are my favorite homies ever. We lived our best lives together.
The best thing about being a childless cat lady? Time was on my side.
Did you know that cats can stay home alone for a week, with a neighbor to check on them? I’m not promising they won’t piss on your bed— but, dogs? You can’t leave dogs home alone for six hours! Toddlers? Six seconds!
Cats bathe themselves and pee in litter boxes. Dogs roll around in dead carcasses and pee outside. Kids need baths every night. They pee in diapers, toilets, beds, and even underwear on occasion.
Are you down with OPP (Other People’s Poop)? I have two five year-old kids and two dogs. Can you guess how much OPP I’ve looked at? Just think — an infant poops as much as 12 times per day. We had twins.
As a childrearing dog person, I’m literally drowning in shit. I’m also drowning in laundry, cooking, cleaning, dishes, bed-timing, dog-walking, and relentless decision-making, often within chaotic and noisy environments.
Coming from a marketing strategist who has participated in dozens of C-level meetings across every industry you can imagine, I feel confident saying that parents use more executive functioning than executives.
Take that in for a moment.
I know it sounds crazy, but if you add up all the soft decisions like meals, outings, chores, travel, purchases, plans, plus jobs and careers for many—then subtract staff or personal assistance for most, partners for some… It’s a lot!
The maths aren’t mathing.
Did you ever stop to think that childless cat ladies are amongst the few women with enough time to think critically about politics, economics, climate, and the future of our world? Of course there are exceptions to this statement, but let’s just consider it.
People who are head down in work and family obligations, feeding dependents, or otherwise without bandwidth do not have time to think about the world’s problems or follow political theatre. My sister, for example, has been nursing her one-month-old baby around the clock. She has never heard the phrase “childless cat lady” in the context of politics.
There are many of us that don’t have room in our mental hardrives to engage in politics. Unfortunately, there are many titans and ‘ticians of industry who manipulate this to their advantage. Their policy is designed to keep people in the trenches. Our ‘busyness’ benefits their business.
For anyone out there feeling doom, gloom, or blah about the future of America, I get it. On one side, we’re bullying childless cat ladies— who we’ve already established are dynamic and critical thinking members of society. On the other side, we have the illusion of joy.
For some of us (me), it’s hard to jump on the joy wagon when the curtain’s been lifted to show the men pulling levers in our version of Oz. However, I do think that any parent worth their naps should vote for the woman — preferably one who is not drowning in shit.
Women who make the hard-earned decision to use their time, education, and experience to think critically about the world’s problems and contribute to broader ecosystems than their families of origin are exactly the type of people who should flex their executive functioning in the White House. Quite possibly, a childless cat lady is the candidate America needs.
