An Apology To My Body

I’m sorry, body.

For harming you. For hurting you. For hating you.

For filling you with toxic substances, with pills, with powders, with shards of glass.

For mixing a myriad of tablets with cheap vodka with the intention of wanting to desperately feel something while somehow simultaneously hoping to be completely numb.

For wanting to sleep forever.

For filling you with rough and unkind bodies belonging to people who never looked you in the eye.

For denying you of any real pleasure until you were too ashamed to admit you’d never touched your own cunt.

I’m sorry, body.

For being so utterly unappreciative of this shell I’ve been given.

For being brought into this world from an unconditionally-loving human and for refusing to love it in the same way she does.

I’m sorry for using you as the complete manifestation of my inner distress.

For being so unable to articulate the fog in my mind that I resorted to using you as an outlet.

For the cuts, the burns, the hits against the wall.

For binging, for purging, for starving you.

I’m sorry, body.

For clenching my jaw so hard that it causes migraines.

For confusing myself about the value of human life but worthlessness of yours.

For believing everyone is worthy of love and yet wishing you were dead.

For the amount of time spent hating you that could have been spent doing countless other things.

For the permanent furrow in my brow that has been created by the constant state of distress that occupies my mind.

For the scars that remind me of the times I have abused you.

I’m sorry.

I’m trying to love you, body.

I’m really trying.

Please forgive me.

Photography by Georgia Smedley. Georgia has previously photographed for Caitlin Stasey’s website More of her work can be found here.

Originally published at The Vocal by Deirbre Fidge