I don’t give a shit about your dick

I was sitting in a cafe this week with a friend. We were discussing Tinder adventures and my last Medium piece. As the poor unsuspecting waiter approached us to take her order, my friend looked up at him and asked:

“You’re a guy. Maybe you can answer this. Why do guys send dick pics?”

He thought about it for a second, then he replied:

“I think it’s because we’d really love to receive something like that, so we think if we send one, we’ll get one in return”

It all made sense. You think if you send me a picture of your dick, I’m gonna send you a picture of my tits. Reciprocity. Of course!

If only it really worked that way.

This week I was talking to a guy on Tinder. He had great banter and seemed really interesting. I was dead keen to meet up and find out more about him. That is, of course, until he lamented the fact we couldn’t send pictures through Tinder because he’d really love to see my tits.

This is a problem for me because these days, I have a strict see-it-in-person-first policy. I want for you to see me — and me to see you — in person. As easy as the internet has made it to meet people and have adventures, it’s also ruined a lot of the fun.

I’ll send a lingerie pic, and I have bikini pics available on my profile. You can see what my body looks like, I’m not hiding it. But I’m not showing you my vagina before I get the chance to meet you.

Because for me, I’m not interested in your dick right now: I’m interested in you. And I want you to be interested in me.

Not ‘cos I might get on my knees and suck your cock, but because I am actually an interesting person with skills and opinions. I’m smart, and I’ll get bored pretty quickly if you’re not interesting.

The fact is, I have my pick of penises. I made a collage of offers from the previous 5 days alone and posted it on Twitter. I get more and more every day. Your dick isn’t special. It’s not what makes me want to fuck you — you are.

Yesterday I was talking to a guy. We were chatting about the weather and my (shitty) day. He seemed pretty cool. I wanted to change the subject off me so I asked him how his day was going and got this:

Just relaxing in the sun, start work at 6pm… thinking about the fact that I haven’t had sex in a really long time.

Now I get it. We’re on a dating site. I’m not against talking about these things at all but there’s a trick to this, guys. Build some camaraderie and intimacy before you talk about your dick. Ease into it.

If you want to get laid, be the guy who doesn’t talk about his dick. Everyone else is playing the same tune and trying the same tricks. And it’s not really working.

Be different. Understand that your dick isn’t special to me until you’re special to me.

Because until I give a shit about you, I really don’t give a shit about your dick.