I’ve spent a lot of the last 2 years on dating platforms like Tinder and NZD (“NZ Dating”). During that time I’ve developed a loathing of the uninvited dick pic.
Now, a quick disclaimer: I like dicks. And I like to see pictures of dicks. But I have a very firm rule that the first time I see a dick, I want it to be in person.
To me, that moment of reaching down is exciting. It’s one of the things I love about getting to know a new lover. To put it mildly, your dick pic is like telling me how the next episode of Game Of Thrones ends, or who wins at the sporting match: it’s a spoiler.
But it’s not just some light-hearted thing I can always brush off. I’d say I get 3 or 4 uninvited, unwanted dick pics per day. That could get up to 1000 dick pics a year if I were always looking.
And none of them were invited. In fact, my profile says up front that I don’t want to see them, and I send messages to that effect when I think a guy is about to send them: as a woman, I have to actively tell men that I don’t want them to expose themselves to me.
Eventually, this deluge of dicks gets to me. It’s like I am an unheard sex object who is expected to get on her knees and worship the glory that is a stranger’s schlong. It doesn’t make me feel good. It actually makes me feel degraded.
Because uninvited dick pics are a form of assault.
In the US, teenagers can be prosecuted and put on a sex offender list for sending imagery of themselves to another teenager — it’s considered distributing child pornography, even if it’s of yourself to someone who has consented to seeing it. But once you reach the age of 18, that doesn’t count anymore. You’re allowed to expose yourself digitally to any woman capable of receiving your photo.
In most countries, the scenario of walking up to a woman and exposing yourself is considered indecent exposure. It’s a criminal offence. Because that woman probably doesn’t want your unwanted and unsophisticated sexual advance.
And yet, doing the same thing digitally (sometimes I get initial messages with no content whatsoever and only a dick pic), is deemed totally fine.
It’s not totally fine. My experiences do affect me. By no means would I ever consider a dick pic as an equal assault as other sexual offences, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK either.
Consent isn’t just an issue of “will the woman let me have sex with her?”, and it doesn’t only apply to real-life situations. Consent is an issue of “does the woman want to engage on a sexual level with me?” If the answer is no, or ‘I don’t know’, and you send her a picture anyway, you are sexually assaulting her.
Society has turned it into a light-hearted joke: boys will be boys. But that is a misogynist way of thinking. It doesn’t take into account the woman’s feelings about seeing your cock. It doesn’t ask the question as to whether she wants to.
By no means do I hate men, or cocks, or dick pics. I just want to have the chance to consent before a dick is digitally thrown in my face, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
