The Lady Parts Landfill

That’s so Gwynny!

I try to contain my inane limited celebrity commentary to the sacred space that is the comment section of Jezebel’s Facebook page, the only space where Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi commercial, Azealia Banks’ Carrie closet and the spectral evidence known as Ann Coulter collectively make sense. But when I read Gwyneth Paltrow is recommending women stuff jade eggs into their vaginas, I felt Medium was a more appropriate venue to discuss the peculiar phenomena of the Lady Parts Landfill.

The origins of the Lady Parts Landfill — the practice of using one’s vagina as an alt-storage space — can be traced back to 2001 with the invention of NuvaRing. NuvaRing is a contraceptive vaginal ring that collects incoming man swimmers the way an ice cream truck’s Wrapper Snapper collects its dessert-related waste. The procreate eradicating wonder ring was a huge success and it spawned a new generation of kooky pioneers who set out to explore the vagina’s hidden potential.

The origins of the Lady Parts Landfill — the practice of using one’s vagina as an alt-storage space — can be traced back to 2001 with the invention of NuvaRing.

Tracy Ullman elaborated on the new concept by utilizing her vagina as a recycling bin in a horrific scene from John Waters’ A Dirty Shame. Dancing the Hokey Pokey with frisky seniors in a retirement home, Ullman put her backside in, she put her backside out, she put her backside in and shook it all about and in the process, got a bottle of Poland Spring water lodged in her vagina. Earth friendly? Sure. Comfortable? I doubt it.

We leap forward in time and Lena Dunham reveals that as a child she stuffed a bunch of pebbles into her younger sister’s future lady parts, pivoting from waste management to mining. Never one to miss an opportunity to capitalize on her unique brand of dysfunction, Dunham is rumored to be working on a forthcoming children’s book titled Grace’s Quarry — What to do with Pebbles?

Cameron Diaz nearly out shined all of this vaginal ingenuity when she turned her lady parts into a secret garden. On the Chelsea Lately show, Cameron channeled her inner Walt Whitman, attempting to rally her female pioneers pleading, “I say grab a mirror and play along. Get in there. Learn about it. You’re supposed to treat it like the beautiful flower that it is, the delicate flower that it is. And you’re supposed to nurture it in all the ways that it needs to be nurturing. [You should be] watering it. Fertilizing it. It needs nourishment. It’s hungry.”

Sadly, Cameron forgot that fertilizer is one the three main ingredients in The Fertilizer Bomb, inadvertently turning her secret garden into a 30-foot-wide, 8-foot-deep crater.

Which, thankfully, brings us back to Gwyneth and her jade eggs. Like Dunham, Gwyneth is also interested in transforming the vagina into a more practical space albeit with the zen twist Cameron failed at so miserably. Gwyneth’s vision of vaginas as a high-end curio case, with a $55 jade egg as its centerpiece, is very sophisticated and very Gwyneth. It’s easy to imagine Gwyneth adding additional pieces like a tiny glass ring box from ABC Carpet & Home, a sensual Kilian French Boudoir candle, or, perhaps, some somber sea horse skeletons she’s collected as a poignant reminder of how fragile life is.

Gwyneth’s vision of vaginas as a high-end curio case, with a $55 jade egg as its centerpiece, is very sophisticated and very Gwyneth.

But all this whimsy begs the question, doesn’t the vagina have enough on its plate? Between Gwyneth’s schedule for steaming, Trump’s proclivity for grabbing, and Mother Nature’s need for drama — not to mention that over 2,000 years later, it’s still coping with being the epicenter of the tallest tale ever told — must the vagina serve as a landfill too? Another place to put all of the overpriced merchandise pushed on GooP? Really, I could just kill whoever took Gwyneth’s head out of that box in Seven and gave it back to her.

On that note, I leave you with this approved list of things that can safely go inside the vagina which surprisingly is nowhere to be found on GooP.

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