The Gospel According to ADHD
The life of someone with ADHD or common ADHD symptoms is often replete with the feeling and the abject fear of failure. Often, it’s seemingly all we know. We fail in the classroom as children because we can’t seem to pay attention or make time for homework, we fail as sons and daughters because we can’t seem to live up to our parents’ expectations, we fail in the workplace because we struggle to be on time and complete basic tasks, we fail as spouses because we don’t always remember our promises, fail to follow through, and struggle to perform and provide stable, safe, and secure environments. The moral of the story is, the life of someone beset by the symptoms of ADHD is regularly marked by a continual feeling of incompetence and the inability to achieve and succeed without significant struggle — and if not properly diagnosed, these feelings can lead to deep depression, anxiety, fear, and worry.
That’s the world I have found myself inheriting. Banks statements, credit, and resume’s looking more like criminal rap sheets than established adult behavior, a marriage that is falling apart, and a future that has felt so unsure and so insecure that makes it difficult to plan around outside of the one assured likelihood: that no matter how much effort or energy I invest or good will or good intent, failure is right around the corner. My very best never seems to be enough because of something that I cannot completely control. I am physiologically dispositioned to distraction by a brain indebted to dopamine.
I try to be positive of my symptoms. Frankly, I refuse to allow ADHD to become an excuse, and ever since I figured out and could give a name to what I’ve been struggling with my entire life I have been working to learn about it, become aware of its effects, and work around it. But that doesn’t undo the years and years of repetitive behavior and patterns that have done so much damage to my confidence, my relationships, and current financial situation. I sometimes wish I could hit rewind — go back to my childhood and be honest with my family about what I had been feeling. Would that have made a difference? I don’t know. But at the very least — what I do know now that I didn’t then is that I need professional help; some guidance as to how to build systems around my thought processes and counsel to help me deal with the deep guilt I’ve carried for such a long, long time.
Where have I heard this before?
I can’t help but relate my mental brokenness to the spiritual state of brokenness we all find ourselves in. Not a deficit of attention, but rather a deficit of holiness; a spiritual ailment that renders us incapable of successfully and adequately earning back our place with God despite our very best actions or intentions. Constantly distracted by shiny objects; our eyes diverted to money, sex, success, status, work — anything but God, the object of our primary focus. Our 100% is barely a drop in the bucket because we are inherently and genetically predispositioned for failure. My collective series of good works is but a rap sheet of selfish and less than holy behavior when separated from the goodness of God. And even if we desire and try and pursue a relationship with the Holy, we mar that relationship because we can’t even live up to the promises that we make.
Am I saying that ADHD is sin? No, I am not. It is a condition of mental health. But there is a fundamental misunderstanding by most of what sin really is. Sin isn’t necessarily overt thumbing your nose at the Most High when you could be loving and serving Him. No — it’s deeper than that. Your will is compromised. You’re sick, and maybe you know it — maybe you don’t, but the fact of the matter is that you simply don’t have the capacity to live satisfactorily, much the same way that I don’t have the capacity to maintain focus — that is, without help.
But God…two words that change the framework of both my mental and spiritual diagnoses…but God, who is rich in mercy and full of love offers us two things the world cannot promise: Grace and healing. Grace to cover the mistakes and the mishaps, the intentional and the unconscious. How can you be forgiven for the sins you don’t know you commit? Human relationships often fail because the list of hurts becomes so great that forgiveness runs out. With God, the blood of Christ covers all sin — not sparing even the sin we have no intent of committing. Moreover, He promises healing for all the little hurts — and the big hurts, too — and to make us whole again, in His time. Best of all — He uses our brokenness to heal those around us and we receive healing and grace over and over as we continually use our testimonies to tell others about the depth of our pain and the lengths the Lord has gone to bring us out of it and to make us whole again.
I’m in the first steps of healing from the pain my symptoms have caused and conquering the patterns of behavior that have beset me for so long. Success doesn’t mean it’s all going to go away; but what it does mean is that I will recognize what is happening, understand it, and reverse course to get back on track. I call it “repentance.” With God’s help I’m discovering the kind of man He intended me to be — after all, in His wisdom He created me with this brokenness so I could rely fully on Him. I pray my testimony helps people uncover and unpack the hurt they’ve endured in life and learn how to offer it as a living sacrifice. There’s a peace that I can’t fully describe in knowing that all I’ve endured isn’t meant for nothing — it has a purpose beyond simply being a factor of my personality; it’s a tool in the hand of a mighty God.
This is the gospel according to ADHD — this is my gospel and my testimony.
R.G. Truman
