‘Bless Her Heart, But Don’t Let Her Vote!’ and Other Quaint Sayings from the State of Georgia
Welcome to The Peach State! Y’all may know us for our many peach trees, our many streets named Peachtree, and our voter suppression. There’s been quite the fuss about changes to our state’s voting laws, but folks need to remember that we do things differently down here.
You say dogs, we say Dawgs.
You say everyone, we say all y’all.
You say free and fair elections are essential for democracy, we say well hold on just a minute there!
For those of you asking why, if there was no voter fraud in Georgia’s most recent elections, the state needs new voter laws to crack down on fraud, I figured y’all could use a little primer on some of our favorite sayings. You’ll hear these chestnuts — or as we say, pecans — everywhere you go. Be sure to memorize them before you visit so you don’t stick out like the damn Yankee you are!
Don’t Count Your Chickens Before They Have a Legally Valid Excuse to Vote by Mail
Ah, I love this one. My granny had it stitched on pillows all over her sitting room. This little saying reminds us that premature action will get us into trouble — and that’s exactly what happened when we passed no-excuse absentee voting back in 2005, not thinking so many people would actually use it.
Now that we’ve been hoisted by our own petard — or as we say down here, Stacey Abrams’d — it’s time to amend our wrongs and ensure that folks can only vote by mail if they’re old, disabled or overseas. (I don’t send mail; I write messages in my sweetcorn fields for the Delta flight crews to pass on.)
Know Thyself, But Include Proof of Identification with Your Absentee Ballot Just in Case
Socrates is a bit highfalutin’ for our humble southern tastes, but hot damn if this one doesn’t melt on the tongue like butter! The truth is, you might know thyself, but we don’t, and neither do thy elections officials. Sure, there has been zero evidence of absentee ballot fraud, but that’s not really the point. There were just so many absentee ballots this year, and counting is exhausting! (I don’t count; I just nod at my money and murmur, “Looks about right.”)
It Is Possible to Have Too Much of a Good Thing, When That Thing is Ballot Drop-Boxes
On hot summer nights, when I was an ambitious young buck who believed in expanded access to the ballot, my daddy would smile and remind me of this from his rocking chair. Wise old Aesop knew that even good things, like very popular, very secure ballot drop-boxes, can get to be too much.
Rather than provide more ballot drop-boxes — which help voters get absentee ballots in on time, reducing the number of rejected votes — we should actually offer fewer so that people don’t take them for granted. By limiting them to inside polling places and only when those polling places are open, we’ll treasure each and every sparsely-distributed ballot drop-box. (I don’t treasure; I maintain an enlightened spiritual distance from material things.)
Sunday Is a Day of Rest, Not So Much About Electoral Politics
God worked hard to create the world, so don’t steal that thunder and go casting votes for people who aren’t God. Of course, not everyone observes the Sabbath on Sunday — and we love our religious liberty — so we’re giving every county the option to restrict the polls on Saturday or Sunday.
Let me be clear: this measure is not designed to limit the power of Black churches’ ‘Souls to the Polls’ programs. We love souls! We love polls! Just not necessarily in the same sentence. Better to stay home on the Sabbath, relax, and cast a vote for your favorite football team instead because we’re legalizing sports betting, baby! (I don’t bet; I make fanciful anagrams out of our teams’ names, like ‘Swag D.’)
There Are No Problems, Only Solutions
That’s it! That’s the whole saying! It’s not even a Georgia original; John Lennon said it, which is remarkable considering he was a pacifist, bless his heart — but don’t let him vote!
This one is a favorite of our dear Lieutenant Governor Geoff Duncan, who, when asked which problem enhanced voting restrictions are supposed to solve, replied, “I don’t think we have identified a problem we are trying to solve.” And why should we? The problem’s not important, the solution is! That’s why we here in Georgia are committed to finding as many solutions as we can, without getting bogged down by problems. We’re keeping it simple, like a creek-side picnic on a Sunday when the polls are closed. (I don’t picnic; I stand in a giant parking lot for several hours deepening my flip-flop tan. Go Dawgs!)
Yes indeed, sirs and ma’ams, keeping things simple is the Georgia way of life. That’s why our state motto is ‘Wisdom, Justice & Moderation of Expectations Regarding Vaccine Rollout.’
