Congress Votes to Confirm Its Confusion Over the State of the Latest COVID-19 Stimulus Bill
WASHINGTON — It’s been a rough holiday season for Americans hoping to get another round of economic relief as unemployment and evictions remain at record highs during the coronavirus pandemic. But the nation’s elected representatives in the House and Senate made progress Friday with a bipartisan vote declaring that none of them know what the hell is going on.
“This is what the Constitution was designed for, and we successfully upheld it with this vote,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who was seen wearing a Pandora bracelet to show support for “dreamers,” gun violence victims and many other at-risk communities.
When asked about tackling the root of those issues, as well as actually providing American citizens the relief they’re counting on, Pelosi fell silent and looked into the cameras with a blank stare.
Pelosi’s Senate colleagues appeared equally pleased with the vote.
“Progress is truly being made and I’m proud of the work we’ve done. I even managed to appoint five new judges the same day we were attacked here in the Capitol!” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, whose smile caused his mask to jump off his face and scatter like a scared insect. Reporters were then too petrified to ask him what was next regarding the stimulus bill, and he abruptly ended the press conference.
With President Biden’s term only a few days old, and the vaccination of non-priority groups at least several months away, neither side appears any closer to reaching a tangible solution with this vote. Nevertheless, Democrats and Republicans do appear satisfied with the work they have done and are excited to continue, even as mass protests and calls for urgent relief continue.
