I Just Can’t Bring Myself to Take Down My January 6th MAGA Heroes’ Day Holiday Cards
Season’s Greetings from the Year 2071
Wow, I can’t believe it’s summer already. Seems like 2071 just got started! And I haven’t even taken down my wall full of greeting cards for the 50th anniversary of January 6th, MAGA Heroes’ Day.
I gotta tell you, people really outdid themselves with the cards this year. My friend Dave sent us one with a picture of him dressed up as Papa Trump himself, pulling the head off a Crazy Nancy Pelosi doll. It’s a real hoot.
Or on this other card we got from my Aunt Marcie, there’s a cartoon of Ouchie Fauci about to jab some of the Heroes with his vaccine and turn them into Critical Race Theorists. Then these two kittens claw his eyes out. So adorable!
Me and my family had a real blast doing the photo shoot for our Heroes’ Day card. I was all done up as the QAnon Shaman, with the face paint, the horns, and the old coyote pelt headpiece I keep in the special box labeled “FREEDOM” in the garage. My wife and kids had their red MAGA hats on, and we all posed as the Heroes right after they busted into the Capitol. We even broke one of our own windows and peed on our living room carpet, just for the picture.
I love all the traditions of Heroes’ Day, too. Like when we skip three times around a giant inflatable Papa Trump and tell him he’s a winner, or when we bake cookies in the shape of books. (Books were these big piles of paper kind of like really long tweets, that the Fake News Media used to print out just to confuse us.) We leave out one book-cookie with a glass of scotch for Uncle Rudy, and then in the morning we burn the rest of them.
There is one tradition I could do without: my kids playing Proud Boys and Antifas in the house. If they’re going to whack each other in the head with metal flagpoles, they need to do it outside!
MAGA Heroes’ Day is not just fun and games, though. It’s also that special time of year when we reaffirm our connection to our fellow real Americans, and remember how bad things had gotten in this country before the Heroes came to save us. Dead people and house pets were deciding who got to be president. Jewish space lasers were sucking up all our money in taxes. And anyone at all could post on Twitter, not just members of the Trump family. It was a scary time.
I get a big lump in my throat when I think of those brave Heroes pouring into the Capitol at the Stop the Steal rally, on that very first Heroes’ Day in 2021. By smearing their own crap on the walls when no one else would, they gave the nation a glimmer of hope that the bad times would soon be over if we all pulled together for Papa Trump. They were only able to kill one Democrat cop that day with a fire extinguisher, but four years later they came back and took out a thousand of them as they swept away Sleepy Joe Biden and his communist Congress. And today we can feel safe knowing that our kids won’t move to a city and turn Democrat. Because thanks to the Heroes, there are no Democrats. Or cities.
You’ll have to excuse me, I get pretty choked up about this stuff. But I know it’s time for me to take down the cards now. And right after that I’ll take down the life-size Mike Pence doll hanging from the noose in the front hallway.
