MEMO: A Modest Proposal to Rethink the Draft
MEMORANDUM
TO: The Civilian and Military Leadership of the United States of America
FROM: Peter Merkl, on Behalf of America’s Male Retirees
Subject: A Modest Proposal to Rethink the Draft in Light of Technological Developments
Greetings:
It has come to our attention that the military has developed many new technologies to make warfare less taxing on soldiers’ bodies, e.g., robot “mules” to carry their backpacks, and powered, full-body exoskeletons to improve their mobility and endurance.
As you know, there are currently two hot spots that could erupt at any moment into the kind of unwinnable wars you have found so irresistible in the past:
1.) China’s frequent military incursions into Taiwanese airspace
2.) Russia’s massing of troops on the Ukrainian border
In the event of war with China or Russia, the professional soldiery of the United States would clearly be inadequate in number. As a result, drafting young men into our armed forces would be necessary. However, many of them have been schooled to loathe their country and will resist the draft. There will be the usual nationwide rioting, looting, and loss of life that has comprised our dreary political discourse for the last several years.
They’ll also make lousy soldiers. Far from their mani-pedis, microbreweries, scented candles, and memory foam mattresses, they’ll blunder around the battlefield seeking to end their discomfort by surrendering to nations whose forms of government they prefer over our own.
And let’s face it: They’d be right to avoid risking their young, vigorous lives by serving in our military. Since World War II, our military interventions have been a sad catalogue of lives wasted in service to our nation’s fecklessness and inevitable loss of will. Our wacky withdrawal from Afghanistan serves as a recent, vivid example.
But there is another way.
Sending its citizens to war is any government’s most consequential decision. Why reflexively repeat the habits of the past when dealing in matters of wholesale life and death? Think it through, and I know you’ll come to the obvious conclusion: Draft us instead.
The aforementioned technological advances have made conscripting young men unnecessary, since we can operate an exoskeleton just as well as they can.
Some advantages of this option are as follows:
1.) There will be no more tearful goodbyes at embarkation centers. In fact, most of our families won’t even show up. Our wives have long since seen enough of us, and our grown kids will sleep in and dream of peaceful holiday dinners without our provocative proclamations of what were for all of human history – right up until this morning — time-honored truths.
2.) Our most productive years are behind us. We’re no longer contributing to our nation’s economic life and are basically a drain on the system. If you’re looking for cannon fodder in a meaningless war, it makes much more sense to send us.
3.) There will be no resistance to the draft. We still love our country, the Founding Fathers, and our founding documents. We smile when we think about them.
4.) We’ve never had a mani or a pedi.
5.) We already wake up at 5 AM.
You will, however, have to make the following changes:
1.) No more standing at attention. We can’t do that for very long. We’ll sit and listen carefully.
2.) There will be a new emphasis on lumbar support.
3.) You’ll have to transition from paperless to paperfull. Do you really want to answer the inane questions of a million of us as we slowly, painfully data input our way through all your online forms? The Selectric is a beautiful thing.
4.) It’s impossible to overemphasize the importance of recliners and big-screens to our morale, welfare, and recreation.
5.) Antacids will be included with all Meals, Ready-to-Eat.
6.) While we’re deployed, effective measures will be taken to prevent neighborhood children from playing on our lawns.
7.) No boots. Skechers.
With these few simple changes, you will have succeeded in providing America with the loyal, patriotic, and expendable military force needed to fight our future limited wars.
Americans have grown accustomed to your mad compulsion to periodically sacrifice many thousands of our soldiers as we and our enemy spend years pushing each other back and forth over an arbitrary line until, finally, an indecisive stalemate is reached. We also acknowledge your inalterable conviction that General MacArthur was wrong when he declared, “War’s very objective is victory — not prolonged indecision.”
We just want you to leave our sons out of it.
