Opening Up: An Appraisal
I’m glad we don’t have to wear masks anymore, now that the world is opening up again. Glad things are finally getting back to normal. But now I have a new problem: I can’t seem to recognize anyone I’ve met since the whole mask-wearing thing began, because everyone looks completely different from how I imagined or remembered them.
A lot of them look worse. Tons of horrible skin, for instance, which I guess I’d politely forgotten about. Not only have acne and eczema not gone away, they’ve been thriving behind the masks. Redder and scalier than ever. There’s also a lot more tooth decay than I recall pre-pandemic. And those gums that are way too long for the little baby teeth they’re holding in? I don’t recall seeing so many before Covid.
On the other hand, it’s been nice to see how some people turned out to be a lot more attractive than I ever imagined. Yesterday I walked right past a woman I’d met during the pandemic as though she were a total stranger. She ran after me, tapped me on the shoulder and said: “What, you don’t say hi anymore? Don’t you recognize me?”
The truth is, I didn’t. Her face was nothing like how I’d imagined it. First of all, she was gorgeous. Movie star gorgeous, but how could I have known? She’d always worn those white K-95 medical masks that make you look like you’re taking bong hits from an envelope. Made her look like a mouse with a breathing disorder or something. Face all jammed in, cheeks hollowing in and out with each breath.
Had I known how beautiful she was, I might have tried to get in her pants. I mean, sweatpants. Probably not wearing underwear either, though I could be wrong. I hear a lot of people even gave up bathing in the pandemic so the whole thing’s a crap shoot. In any case, I’m not the kind of guy who’s ever been too busy streaming or binge eating to have sex with a willing stranger. Plus my fridge has been empty since the subsidy ran out. Fucking Republicans. Probably have to cancel Netflix too. Comedy writing doesn’t pay, you assholes, but somebody’s got to do it, right? How do you think we survived Trump?
“The rigged election of 2020!”
Although come to think of it, the joke is already there in everything he says.
“We’re gonna build the wall and Mexico’s gonna pay for it.”
Ba-dum-bum. I guess the Republicans have a point. Why subsidize unemployed comedy writers when they could better serve the country doing something productive, like vote recounting.
Yup, we’re getting back to normal, though I think a lot of people are realizing that the “normal” they’re getting back to kinda sucks. Because it always kinda sucked. All their bosses going, “Hey, let’s get the team back into the office and come up with some great innovations.” Well first of all, there’s no team in “team.” That’s some shit you came up with so people would hate their jobs less. “We’re on a team!” Sure, like a team of horses yoked to a plow in a hundred degree heat pulling roots up to make room for Massa’s cotton. “Yay! Go team!” Fucking capitalist slave driver motherfuckers.
And hey “team,” remember to make enough coffee to last you the hour and a half in traffic each way to the stadium. I mean office. Can’t wait to get back to that, not to mention taking decrepit, overpriced mass transit with the rest of the sardines who take up all the seats and pretend not to gloat. “Sure is comfy sitting here looking up at the sweat patches under your arms.”
The funny thing is, all this research is coming out now saying that people actually innovate less in an office setting. It’s true. Open office architecture turned out to be a pretty dumb idea, unless micro-aggressions against minorities was the goal. The thinking was that people would periodically look up from their rainbow of Post-Its and ‘Mom and Dad of the Year’ trophies and shout, “Listen up, Team! I’ve come up with a carbon capture plan for the new Ford Escort.”
Or they’d have a random, deep conversation in an elevator about how the company could spend less on marketing and more on customer care or some shit. I don’t know about you, but when I’ve been in elevators, the deepest the conversation’s ever got is: “How ‘bout we get Banh-Mi today instead of that overpriced salad ?” Now there’s an innovation that justifies sending millions of people back to their daily misery.
I got my vaccine a couple months ago, so for me the pandemic is kind of over. But now I’m reading that there are all these variants coming to get us, that half of India is gonna be dead soon, that the Chinese and Russian vaccines don’t even work, and that only 1% of all Africans are vaccinated. Big surprise there, huh? Nobody giving a shit about Africa; who’d have thunk it.
So now my White privileged-ass doesn’t know what to do because the pandemic isn’t over at all; it’s kind of on pause, like Trump. Maybe I should look up the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 and see what the hell they did back then, post-vaccine. Did workers immediately return to their offices to have the life force sucked out of them or did they mostly work in factories and coal mines back then? Building a stronger America and all that bullshit.
I know one thing: the Baby Boom didn’t get underway for another 40 years, which means fucking took its sweet time getting back up to speed. Hopefully that doesn’t happen this time around. They should make it part of the American Recovery Act. Or use it as an incentive to get more people vaccinated.
“Free dick or pussy with your Covid vaccine. Twice the fun if you get the Pfizer or Moderna shots.”
Not sure how they handled it back in 1918, but I doubt they refused the vaccine like people today in Alabama or Idaho or wherever the anti-vax movement is presently headquartered. The funny thing is, most anti-vaxxers already had the polio, smallpox, and typhoid vaccines — with no bad side effects — when they were kids. Oops…forgot they did that shit to you, huh?
“Fucking government! Gave me a permanent scar on my upper arm!”
Sorry about that. I guess the QAnon tattoo’s gonna have to go on your ball sack.
All I can say is, if it turns out we have to go back to putting on masks again, I’ll do it. I’m trying to be a good person. I just want to squeeze in two or three more months of relatively normal life and then I’ll be good. Most of the good-looking women I’m seeing nowadays are way out of my league anyway, so I’m better off if they’re masked too. Makes them somehow more approachable. Levels the playing field.
Besides, I’ve always thought normal was over-rated. Now, it seems, I was right.
