Six Preschoolers Who Faced the Wrath of Cancel Culture, as Reported by the Overtly Liberal Impeached PTA President
Liam Holden, 5, Disregarded Supply Chain Shortages
Last week during story & snack time, Mr. Holden got too caught up in the goings on of Jack and Jill. Much like Jack falling down and breaking his crown after fetching his pail of water, “loose hands Liam” dropped his cup and let his cow juice fly. For a kid with “hold” in his name, he should be embarrassed. After posting a milk-mustached, duck-faced selfie on Instagram with the caption “new milk, who dis?” Mr. Holden was attacked on social media, with a #HoldHoldenInContempt hashtag trending for so callously wasting resources while we face country-wide supply chain shortages.
Ava Johnson, 4, Endorsed an Extremist Capitalistic Movement
Arts and crafts time is a great activity for our youth to not only share their feelings, but supplies as well. Ms. Johnson apparently does not share these feelings. When the box of markers was put out for distribution this morning, she hoarded the entire rainbow for herself. After her artwork was posted in her classroom for all to see, Cancel Culture brought the noise. Waves of DMs, comments, and retweets full of verbiage of ideologies of widespread universal social welfare erupted. If we let tyrants like Ms. Johnson overrule the provision of social benefits, how will we ever raise labor productivity and advance a society in its development? As a result, she was forced into timeout and was assigned mandatory reading from Karl Marx.
James Wilder, 6, Allowed Oppressive Forces to Overtake a Marginalized Group
As we’ve learned through national tragedies, violence, and attacks on our democracy, “if you’re silent, you’re compliant.” Well this little shithead could care less. During recess on Monday, Mr. Wilder’s first grade class was all set up for one of America’s greatest pastimes: kickball. While he saw the oppressive second graders across the yard heading to the kickball court, Mr. Wilder decided to literally sit on the fence. He knew they were going to trample his classmates due to their sheer 7-and-8-year-old brute strength and speed. But he just sat there, and let the oppressors oppress. News of this failure to stand up for his brothers and sisters quickly broke in afternoon announcements. What happened next, while tragic, was necessary. For letting this disaster happen before his eyes, Mr. Wilder was doxxed for peeing the bed four times in the past three weeks.
Isla Meyers, 6, Acted Like a One-Percenter
How much is enough? Apparently there is no such thing for Isla Meyers. In the very same story & snack time as that shit stain Liam Holden, Ms. Meyers attempted a major power play coup. In a clear, preconceived attack on her classmates, she snatched every last Teddy Graham cracker in sight. Before she reached the next desk, the last cracker was already inhaled by her disgusting, snot-filled face. She didn’t earn these snacks; she inherited them, found loopholes, and distorted the entire idea of a free market. Recordings of this brazen act quickly went viral on YouTube Kids. For that, she faced the consequences. After Ms. Meyers, who has previously stated she wanted to be an astronaut, was canceled and her name became toxic, no space camp would accept her. Little Jeffy Jezos and Richie Brankshon went in her place and made it to the final frontier in their cute homemade rockets.
Mia Fredrickson, 5, Supplied Propaganda
A grave danger we all face in the social media age is misinformation. How do we know what we’re reading is true? Where can we find reliable sources to depend on? One source we can all now avoid with confidence: Mia Fredrickson. This fart-faced liar decided on day one of school this year to spread propaganda on her “How I Spent My Summer” project. While Ms. Fredrickson led her classmates to believe she went to equestrian camp, she really spent her summer in her blowup kiddie pool in the backyard. Luckily, for the sake of democracy, the documents she provided were quickly debunked as disgusting indoctrination. Ms. Fredrickson, who is (un)ironically M.I.A. of the truth, was shunned from her friends at lunch, and lost her entire network of carpool partnerships.
Jacob Eisner, 4, Participated in an Ill-Mannered Discourse on Pronouns
A baseline level of decency would teach someone that pronouns should be honored and respected. Mr. Eisner, we’ve unfortunately learned, is not a decent human being. Since the first word was spoken from his filthy mouth, gender assumptions were made. This inconsiderate asshole’s first word to Jenny, the amazing human who carried him for nine months, was “Mama.” The unmitigated gall of this child knows no bounds. The other incredible person in the equation? The one who helped Jenny create life? That’s Greg. Or as “Jakey, Jakey, your parents made a Mistakey” heartlessly called him, “Dad.” Mr. Eisner’s years of abysmal language and assumptions finally caught up to him. After posting a TikTok lip-syncing “Dear Mama” by Tupac that totally missed the mark, Mr. Eisner was canceled, and this revolting monster’s name was written on the board as a constant reminder to his classmates of what not to be.
