The Presentation Of A Special Edition Toto S6000 Electronic AI-Enabled Smart Toilet To President Trump For His 5th General Election Victory
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! Congratulations and Salutations from the Republic of Greater Tokyo and the non-irradiated provinces of Northern Japan!
Your munificence is such that you have settled for mere elevation from President to President-Emperor on the occasion of your epochal 5th election triumph. Others with your mental, cognitive and semi-professional golfing skills might make themselves Emperor, World Commander, or even Universal Godhead but you humbled yourself with President-Emperor — just as the Supreme Court advised that the Founding Fathers always intended. It reminds us that we in Japan once had an emperor descended directly from the sun, though not as radiant as you and your most recent wife, Empress Hailee Steinfield.
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! In recognition of your well-known fascination with toilets, toilet systems, flush mechanisms, removal of sensitive documents via flush system mechanisms and overall personal cleanliness we present you with a Toto S6000 AI Smart toilet decorated in gold leaf with a Treviso marble flush handle and platinum seat hinges.
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! The Toto S6000 is the most advanced toilet in the world and the first of its kind from the renowned Toto toilet corporation, manufacturer of the UltraMax, Aquia, Neorest, Carlyle, Guinevere, Legato, Soiree units and inventor of the world famous Tornado flush mechanism.
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! This toilet has an advanced flush system that can dispose of 2000 cubic grams of toilet paper (equivalent to 300 sheaths of US government standard issue 120 gsm foolscap paper plus Secret, Top Secret or Special Compartmented Information folder covers), sectioned cistern reservoirs consisting of purified water, bleach-hydroxide, advanced bleach hydroxide and nitric acid should you require the liquification of flash and pen drives or government issue encrypted hard drives of up to 2 petabytes in less than 30 seconds.
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! We are humble admirers of your lustrous orange-auburn-golden-hued hair (such is its uniqueness there is no name that can fully describe it — perhaps burnished Mango Gold? Burnt Orange mezzotint?) Your selfless decision to gift the world with more of its bouffant yet still-firm body by increasing it by a foot in height on each of your election victories since you triumphed over the so-so-nasty Kamala Harris (in the wake of Sleepy Joe’s electrocution by high-voltage popcorn machine during that whacky 2024 debate season) makes it a now supreme 36 inch pompadour of towering majesty.
To emphasize: Your hair is in itself a wondrous edifice fit to rival even Trump Tower Kinshasa — the tallest man-made structure in the world to bear the effigy of a human face and almost twice the size of its nearest rival, the Musk Dome in Pretoria.
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! Knowing how important the maintenance of your hair is, the Toto S6000 has been equipped with precision-guided nano trimmers for the careful tending of your exultant pubic mass. The S6000 also has bleach-dye micro-guns for color correction of all follicles growing in the groin, testes and sternum. There is too a specially-designed imaging engine that allows the S6000 to shape your pubic mass into the hairstyles of your most reviled enemies from Hillary ‘We Locked Her Up’ Clinton to Jack ‘Bad luck with the judge’ Smith, Merrick ‘shoulda nailed me when you had the chance’ Garland, Meatball Ron (who has quite literally been turned into a meatball, now encased in a plastic laminate sphere above the entrance to Trump Mountain Disneyworld), Bill Barr, Lizzo, Chrissie Tiegen and the Bella Twins. Why? Nothing speaks dominance like framing your private parts in the hair furniture of your vanquished enemies
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! Your use of toilets to peruse, store and dispose of sensitive materials — which is of course entirely your right — is legendary. As is your ability to simply ‘think’ a document into any relevant classification category. That’s why the S6000 has been equipped with a neo-generative AI retinal scanner able to read the neural patterns of your frontal lobe directly through your eyes. This way the S6000 can understand precisely which documents you think you have declassified, identify them straight from the servers of the CIA, NSA or the National Reconnaissance Agency and upload the information directly to your mind for you to peruse, distribute to interested parties (at the correct price) or destroy as you wish!
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump! No — WAIT! Don’t touch that brush — No — NONONO!!! Please don’t use it that way —
Esteemed President-Emperor Trump..? I’m afraid that is correct. The S6000 still requires a toilet brush. Yes, that, um, well — Mm-hm. It’s what you just brushed your resplendent pompadour with.
Esteemed… President-Emperor, uh, Trump…. So. Right. Okay… I’m afraid that’s right, the S6000 can’t do anything about 36 inches of collapsed-though-still resplendent hair. However, I believe the British Delegation comes bearing a diamond-encrusted Dyson Supersonic hairdryer.
You might want to fast track them past the North Koreans?
