We, The Supreme Court, Are Coming for Your Netflix and SUVs
We, the Supreme Court of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, to establish justice, to ensure domestic tranquility, and so on and so forth, are cleaning house.
Just as the Constitution makes no reference to abortion, and no such right is implicitly protected by any constitutional provision, we also find that the right to flight isn’t protected either. And so we’re sweeping away anything to do with air travel. Any pilot caught piloting, flight attendant attending, as well as any citizen approaching a kiosk (we’ll soon be banning kiosks in general, so consider this a heads up), checking a bag, or setting foot in an aircraft, shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
The same logic applies to automobiles. Cars, trucks, and all things NASCAR are not enshrined in our Constitution, so now they’re a big no-no. Don’t worry, though; more than 46,000 people die every year in crashes on U.S. roadways, so our ruling will save lives. (Okay, it won’t save the lives of the tens of thousands of women who die around the world each year from unsafe abortions, but we can’t solve everything.)
If we catch you riding, sitting in, or polishing one of these aforementioned vehicles, huge fines and jail time will apply. “How will I get around?” you ask? Not to fear! Sedan chairs, those quaint covered cabins carried on poles by strong people shall be permitted on our crumbling highways and streets as a nod to one of the Framers, Benjamin Franklin. (An elderly Franklin was taken to the Constitutional Convention in one of those chairs.) If it’s good enough for one of our Founding Fathers, it’s surely good enough for you.
Also, while the Constitution guarantees a right to trial by jury, it makes no mention of peers. So to align our country more closely with our forefathers, we shall undo that misnomer and mandate that juries be composed of white males, between the ages of 26 and 81. And in cases where the defendant himself is a white male between the ages of 26 and 81, the jury shall be composed of Apple Pan Dowdy, Corn Meal Mush, and Salted Codfish — all foods enjoyed by the fathers of our country.
Upon closer inspection, the Framers also did not outright reference or imply the right to watch Netflix. That, too, is now banned. The Internet in general? Also scrapped. Soft serve ice cream? Overturned.
In addition to abortion, we think it only fair to yank other health-related procedures. Need open heart or cataract surgery? Radiation treatment? Bam! Gone! Basically, anything ending in “ectomy,” “opsy,” or “oscopy” is now off limits. If it was so important, our forefathers would have mentioned it.
Going back to basics sure feels good, doesn’t it?
By the way, everyone still has the right to free speech, because that is in the Constitution. So scream about this all you want. We won’t be listening.
