The Green Mile

The green mile has got a whole new meaning: Excel is a dead man walking.

Breathe easy Weekday Warriors, the days of Microsoft Excel are numbered. Microsoft’s spreadsheet platform has become ubiquitous with the doldrums of cube life. And it’s about to be dethroned. It appears that those dweebs in Silicon Valley are finally putting their coding skills to use for the good of us state school kids: creating Excel’s successor.

Anaplan, Workiva, Adaptive Insights among other unsexy startups are changing the vlookup game. No more using your phone in the handicap stall to scan Mr. Excel to figure out what in the literal f*ck a Match Array is.

And the best part? These glorious innovations even suggest graphics that your baby boomer boss will think you spun your wheels on. Spot bonus, here you come.

After all, the job you indulged your pedigree to land was an “Analyst 2" who “analyzes and thinks critically,” (whatever the f*ck that means) … not an analyst who “tries to copy and paste 10k lines of data while simultaneously praying their ThinkPad doesn’t spontaneously combust.” Plus if the folks who brought chicken lettuce wraps and Szechuan beef mainstream (Panda Express is an early adapter) are on board with the technology then we are in the midst of an office technology renaissance.