“Accepting” vs. “Fixing” You
I’m sixteen. Between my bouts of adolescent angst and eruptions of self-discovery, the teen years have been consistently producing new ways for me question myself.
This is just how it is. Part of the human condition is exploring yourself and finding out all the little things you love and don’t love about you. Every chapter of life provides it’s highs and lows, but I think it can be agreed upon that the adolescent years put a particular strain on a one’s ability to balance those pros and cons. Sometimes, it really feels like you’re just swimming in cons.
So how do you combat these dissatisfactions in a healthy way? What do you do with all the negatives? Where do they go?
Whether it be your work-ethic, your weight, your confidence in social settings, or any other aspect of yourself that isn’t 100% to your liking, I feel like people tend to lean to two different ways of coping.
The first is acceptance. You stand in front of the mirror and remind yourself that this is you. Whatever it is that’s bothering you isn’t going to change, it isn’t going to always measure up to society’s standards, and that’s okay. You take steps to learn to love that piece of you. You tell yourself that this part of your identity is not a bad thing, not something that should be detrimental to your emotional wellbeing. Perhaps this isn’t an adjustment in thinking that comes with the flip of a switch. Being comfortable with your insecurities may be an acquired taste, but the bottom line is you are hoping to one day feel at peace with them for what they are.
However, this method doesn’t go without some sacrifice. An overuse of the “acceptance” route hits close to home for me. Believe it or not, there can be a surprisingly fine line between loving yourself and becoming lazy with it, and I’ve found myself at times using self-acceptance as an excuse for not pushing past my limits.
Don’t sell yourself short — being okay with how you already are shouldn’t translate to never craving more. Everyone has great potentials, and cutting short their opportunity for becoming a reality in the name of accepting yourself isn’t fair to you.
And don’t try to convince yourself that unhealthy behaviors are a piece of your identity. If things you do are harmful to you or others, welcoming them is no practice of “self-acceptance”. Sometimes the lines are difficult to draw, but don’t abuse the term to be used as an excuse for negative behavior.
Interestingly enough, the second method is a dive in the complete opposite direction: change. Forget accepting your flaw for what it is, this method screams: get rid of the disliked thing. Lose weight, cut your hair, work on your people skills until you feel less awkward with your daily interactions. Pinpoint what’s nagging you about you, and take steps to vanquish it.
This approach is often times painted in a better light than plain “acceptance” is. There is something so noble associated with being able to improve upon yourself, and to make adjustments in your lifestyle to eliminate previous faults. And that praise is generally well deserved! It is always an incredible feat to have the perseverance and drive to make personal changes.
That being said, there are dangers. I’ve seen friends become unhealthy with the drive to banish anything they don’t love about who they are. There is a difference between gentle refinement and unforgiving control. Cut yourself some slack, and allow yourself the wiggle room to simply be. The unfortunate truth is that there’s only so much that’s in your control. Don’t overwhelm yourself with maintaining the minute details — you’ll stress yourself out more than anything else. And never do anything unsafe to try to “better” yourself. Consider how counter-intuitive that would be. If you put yourself in harms way to eliminate a flaw, you aren’t “fixing” anything.
Generally speaking, I think that most people are inclined to choosing one method or the other, whether they realize it or not. We all do a combination of both, but ask yourself: when you are faced with an imperfection in yourself, do you generally try to be okay with it or rid yourself of it? Being aware of the path you tend to take is an important life skill that can help you navigate personal growth in a healthier, more beneficial way.
Each method has its pros and cons. Some things are simply out of your control. Others are meant for you to conquer. But most importantly, I think it’s key to understand both paths, and know to keep a balance for yourself.
The most crucial thing when facing struggles with yourself is to remember where you’re trying to go: up. Always aim for a happy, healthier you. That means combining pushing against your limits and loving who you already are.
Don’t let “loving yourself” translate to laziness or harm. And don’t let “bettering” yourself smother all the wonderful aspects of who you are.
Self-growth is a messy web of exploration and adjustment. Being you is not a thing to be “fixed, nor should it be begrudging acceptance.
As you venture through adolescence — or childhood, adulthood, and everything outside and in between — do yourself a favor and try to make everything you do for you out of love, even when that means making changes. It’s possible.
