How to Be Alone Next Valentine’s Day

In 3 easy steps

Dear Singles,

This article is a prep tool for all the singles who know they’ll still be single next Valentine’s Day. The first section is for those of you who wish you weren’t, and the second section is for those of you glad to be alone. Please choose your own adventure and refer to the section that applies to you.

For the Sad Singles

Welp. So another year has gone by, and you’re still as alone as the astronaut in The Martian. Or maybe, you’re so far stuck in the friendzone that you haven’t seen the light for years. Either way, you are feeling sad and empty and Valentine’s Day should be banished for making you so obviously alone for a whole 24 hours. But it’s ok! This article is going to show you how to make the most of the sappiest day of the year:

Step 1: Remember: the best part of February 14th is actually February 15th. Why? Valentine’s Day chocolate goes on sale. Send yourself a box of discounted chocolates. No one has to know that they’re from you, and your wallet takes minimum damage.

Step 2: Go on Buzzfeed and take those random “Here’s where you’ll be in a year” and “We can guess your relationship status” quizzes. If Buzzfeed says you’re taken, it’s a cold hard fact.

Step 3: Prepare for emergencies. Add Papa John’s to your speed dial and make sure your Netflix account is up and running. When the sadness hits, it’s best to wallow in a large four cheese and some murder mysteries, just to remind you that there are some people worse off than you.

For the Rad Singles

So you’re single… and it’s great! Who needs someone else’s love when you have your own? Let’s face it, relationships suck. So take this opportunity to lavish yourself with love.

Step 1: Find all of your poor friends in relationships, struggling to decide on romantic Valentine’s Day plans. Go to their house, and laugh in their face. Loudly. Then tell them about the relaxing and free day you’re about to have. Then exit the house playing “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé.

Step 2: Further amuse yourself and annoy your friends by leaving empty ring cases around their house. Make sure you stick around for the ensuing chaos and inevitable domestic spat. Then, buy yourself flowers because you are worth it. And also to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Step 3: Locate your other single friends, sad or not, and go out to eat with them. Pretend that you are in a relationship with one of them and get a nice discount on your meal! Then, find different restaurants and pretend you are exes instead. Print out pictures of each other to get even more free food!

So now you know. You can spend a fabulous (or depressing) Valentine’s Day next year even if you’re single.

And don’t forget, when love is in the air… don’t breathe.

Best of luck,

Melissa and Ilinca