Scallion Spies On the PSAT

This week was the College Board’s favorite week of the year, when they can cram all the sophomores and juniors into a gym to take a four hour test. The Scallion had some questions on why the College Board and the college counselors love this experience, so they went and investigated Wednesday morning at Overlake.

Here’s what happened:

• There was a tie for our favorite experience at the PSAT: The first event happened when Bryce Harnick dramatically started running to the door right before the test started, flinging the door open with such force that it demanded the attention of the whole gym, only for him to come back very quickly and out of breath. Apparently, the urge to pee was strong. The second was when a school bell rang and the entire gym looked up with hope, wondering if that was their freedom bell ringing…a bell that would stop the test and cancel all scores. Unfortunately, the school bell was outside, and not a phone going off, and you could hear the sighs of anguish as the students went back to reading about genetically different plants.
• Apparently, the College Board was deeply upset by the surge of memes from last year, shown by the million times the instructor had to repeat that sharing information about the test on social media platforms was prohibited, especially on social media platforms, and did I mention that social media platforms are included in the list? As she repeatedly told us that the students were forbidden from sharing information, students were daydreaming of the wonderfully hilarious memes that would be appearing on social media platforms as soon as they left the gym.
• We witnessed the tragic scene of many reaching for their water bottles from under the table, just to refresh the mind and quench their thirst, only to realize that the right of drinking water has been taken away from them. Apparently, the adults now believe that the students have engineered their water to contain magical powers of knowledge, where one sip will give us the ability to answer all PSAT questions. Next, they’re going to go after the gum…with its new powers to give you answers every time you chew. Imagine it: *chomp* “Aaa,” screams the piece of gum in your mouth, *chomp* “Cccc,” it yells.

In conclusion, the Scallion now understands that the College Board lies about its mission to bring students together over the struggles of the test; instead, they laugh at the anxiety and stress that is caused by the rules that enforce the misery. Finally, we would like to thank the College Board for making this experience possible…thanks for nothing.