A Handy Kitchen Substitution Guide For Home Cooks

It’s always hard when you’re in the middle of making something delicious and you realize you’re out of a key ingredient. Worry no more! With this convenient and precise guide to substitutions in the kitchen, you’ll be ready for anything!

1 tsp baking powder = ¼ tsp baking soda + ½ tsp cream of tartar + ¼ tsp cornstarch

1 cup salted butter = 1 cup vegetable shortening + ½ tsp salt

1 shallot = ½ onion (diced) + $6 (thrown away)

1 bag spinach = 1 lb new health goals + the guilt of watching something slowly die in your fridge and knowing it’s your fault

1 lb penne pasta = ¾ lb spaghetti + ¼ lb those tiny penis gummies you get at a bachelorette party

1 cup extra virgin olive oil = 1 cup olive oil + 3 oz high school speech and debate team

1 Red Delicious apple = 1 any other apple + 1 cup of that COVID side effect where your taste buds die

1 bag baby carrots = 2 adult carrots + they love each other very much

1 cup butternut squash = ¼ cup volleyball (mashed) + 1 tsp nutmeg

1 cup sunflower seeds = ⅓ cup almonds* (diced) + the feeling of chewing tobacco like a cool adult baseball player

*⅓ cup almonds = ⅓ cup peanuts + all the water in California

1 everything bagel = 1 nothing bagel + 1 all the things

1 toasted marshmallow = .9 raw marshmallow + .1 charcoal no matter what you do

1 box Grape Nuts = 5 cups quarter-inch crushed stone aggregate + 2 tbsp 18th century stoicism

1 cup half & half = ½ cup half + ½ cup half

1 cup Kombucha = ½ cup iced tea + 3 tbsp of the water from a pedicure foot-bath

1 smoothie = 1 cup ice cream + ½ cup denial

1 trip to Trader Joe’s = 1 normal grocery store - ¾ parking lot

1 home garden = 3 undersized tomatoes + 46 spider webs + 1 smug Instagram post with a cute hat and a trowel

1 tbs CBD = 1 tsp artificial dirt flavoring + oil of 1 snake

1 Intermittent fasting = 1 eating disorder + 1 Silicon Valley CEO’s Medium post

1 salt & pepper to taste = 1 pinch each salt and pepper + a dash of not giving a shit, they can just season it at the table if they’re so fucking picky