Alex Tries: Spin Class

As mentioned last issue, I’ve been embarrassing myself at the gym recently. I’m also trying to get my money’s worth, so I’m taking the free introductory class I get for each program they offered, starting with spin.

If you don’t know what spin is, it’s like a bike… cult? It’s a bike cult.

You ride a stationary bike and a woman up front with a Britney Spears microphone yells motivational slogans from Dove Chocolate wrappers.

“Only you know how much you’re truly capable of. Turn it up to six!”
“Push through this hill. And then tonight make a date night with your favorite book!”

What makes this worse is that obviously everybody is good at this but me. All these moms are bobbing up and down like, “Yeah! We can do it! Together!” and I’m wheezing like a coal miner.

I’m embarrassed, I’m uncomfortable, I can’t leave because my feet are clipped into the pedals and I don’t know how to get out without falling.

The worst part was the positivity. I do not respond to that kind of coaching. If you want me to live up to my potential, it helps to lightly abuse me. Tell me I don’t deserve love and I’ll lift all the weights. If the woman leading the class had said, “You’re both too fat and not fat enough to make it show business” I’d spin til my shins cave in.

I guess what I want an existential spin instructor.

“We all were born out of pure chance, stay alive because we don’t know anything better to do, then die out of an abundance of weakness. So, you know… try or not, who cares.”

I’d turn it up to 6 and burn hard.

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