Bidet All Day

I was in a fancy hotel recently (because it was billed to somebody else), and it had the bougiest toilet I’ve ever had the pleasure of parking on: pressure-activated heated-seats for that pre-warmed luxury and, of course, fully adjustable cleaning features built right into the seat, pointed right at my seat.

Oscillating, for the record. Pulsating is a bit aggressive.

It was… life changing.

How can I go back to regular-ass paper when I’ve felt the gentle bum-shower of a bidet? And more importantly, how can I trust a nation that told me I didn’t need this? I can never return to believing in American exceptionalism now that I know other countries have a clearly superior posterior repertoire.

It is absolutely bonkers that we don’t have bidets in every bathroom. It’s water! We clean stuff with water! This is the dirtiest dirt you’ll ever get on you, and yet you’re happy to just scrape at it like animals.

“Oh I don’t need a prissy French fountain. I wipe my with tree pieces like a cowboy!”

That’s crazy talk. If instead of your bum, you got poo on your hand (heaven forbid), what would you do? Reach for a napkin and then shove your hand into a glove? Of course not. You’d wash that shit with cool, clean water before you put on your hand pants.

We clean things with water, simple as that. When you turn on your shower, a bunch of towels don’t come out.

So use water. Use water! Stop dry-rubbing your baby back like you’re a rack of ribs. #UseWater #BidetAllDay