I accidentally ate some drug chocolate. Well, I ate the chocolate on purpose, it was an accident that it had drugs in it.
A comic offered me some because she assumed I was cool, and I said yes because I assumed she was just a fancy lady who kept fancy chocolate in her purse. And I love fancy purse chocolate.
I was actually eating Doritos at the time, and I’ve been led to believe that’s the wrong order. I said, “Oh, fancy. Thank you. Here, let me finish my dinner before I have dessert.” And she was like, “okay, weirdo.” But she should have said, “You know, you don’t sound ready for this.
I was savoring it, because it was free chocolate, and then she said she got it from a pot shop and I immediately spit it out. And then I panicked.
I texted my coolest friend for help and asked if I was high.
“Do you feel high?”
“I’m light headed, but it’s also past my bed time so I could just be sleepy. I’m sweating, is that normal?”
“If it’s hot there, then yeah, it’s pretty normal.”
“Oh yeah. Well, my mouth is numb! That’s the pot, right? Well, pot was in Mexican chocolate with like cinnamon in it, so maybe it was just too spicy.”
“… That’s the whitest thing you’ve ever said.”
It probably seems a little weird that I was so freaked out. Two important things:
1) I didn’t choose it, and that makes it scarier. Like, I love roller coasters, but if you offered me a seat in a massage chair and it turned out to be a roller coaster, I’d never trust anything that came out of your purse again.
2) I’ve never been high. I would be willing to try it, but only for a good reason. Like for Doug Benson’s podcast or something, because that’s a big deal. But I was at a midnight comedy show with five people and two giant stuffed bears in the audience (clarification: that wasn’t a side effect, I took pictures of the bears and they were still real the next day). That show just wasn’t a big enough event for me to give away my first time. So the most embarrassing part of the whole thing — and yes I’m including the “cinnamon is too spicy” thing — was that I was sitting back stage and I kept saying, “Not like this. Not like this.”