Five Jokes About How Hot It Was In Portland Last Week

It was so hot in Portland yesterday you could cook a tofu breakfast scramble on the sidewalk.


The dumbest part is nobody here has air conditioning. Everybody in Portland knew climate change was real for decades, and yet nobody took a second to plan for it? You know Al Gore bought a bunch of shares in Carrier and Ben & Jerry’s.


I even went into an ice cream parlor that didn’t have AC. Instead of offering samples I walked in and they were like, “Here, drink this.”


Meteorologists predicted we’d hit 110, which would have set a new record. Not many cities still use records but we do in Portland because they feel warmer.


One weatherman tweeted that we should be thankful for all the smoke from the nearby forest fires because otherwise it would have been even hotter, which, I guess? But it’s kindof like a doctor saying, you’re lucky you crashed into that tree because all the bees broke your fall.