How I’d talk to the son I don’t have about consent

My wife and I want to have kids at some point, so we’ve been practicing raising kids. And by that I mean watching parents and assuming we could do a better job. We are very good at this game.

Honestly, the thing that terrifies me most about kids is the worry that they might grow up to suck. I read the news. Many parents have kids who very publicly suck.

So I think about this a lot, what could I do to make sure I raise a dope feminist son? For example, when I talk to him about consent, I think I’ll go further than other people. I’d tell him, “Son, consent is… the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM. What you’re really looking for from a partner is, participation.”

If you get consent without — I don’t know — enthusiasm and creative input? That’s a bad sign. If both members of the sex committee aren’t contributing to the brainstorm, maybe it’s time to call the meeting.

Here’s a bad interaction: “Would you like to have sex?” “Sure.” What you want is more like, “Would you like to have sex?” and then she says, “Shut up and fuck me before the flight attendants notice we’re out of our seats.”

That’s consent.

To which my son will likely respond, “But wait, if she’s with me in the bathroom, who’s flying the plane?” Oh, he just assumed the pilot was the woman? Of course he did. He’s my dope feminist son.

I wouldn’t tell him this part, but that’s what consent should be when you’re young. Married people are really good at literal consent. “Hey, after we finish these dishes, would you like to have sex?” “Sure. I gotta send a couple quick emails first, but then yeah we probably should, it is Thursday.”

I’d also tell my DFS never to perpetuate the myth of blue balls. “If we don’t have sex, my balls get ouchy wouchy.” COME ON. That is WAY too convenient of an ailment to be real. Next you’re gonna be like, “My knees ache if I don’t get enough compliments on my taste in movies”

“It’s the way a man’s body works, baby. I get blood clots if I don’t explain Bitcoin to a woman.”