I make fun of everybody dis-equally

Alex Falcone
May 16, 2018 · 2 min read

Hey, comics. Alex here. Quick favor: I’m gonna need you to stop saying you make fun of everybody equally, as if that makes you a hero. Your insult-communism doesn’t make you a righteous First Amendment warrior. It makes you an asshole.

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“I make fun of everypony equally.”

What you should do, what we should all aspire to, is to make fun of people proportionately. You’re looking for a progressive mocking system, one where the larger amount goes to the people WHO FUCKING DESERVE IT. That’s the whole art form. If you shit on Malala the exact same amount as you do on Paul Ryan, you’re not cool or a bad boy, you’re a reckless idiot.

What you’re really saying is, “I have no actual opinions and back up nothing I say.”

“I’m mean to all people: Nazis, teachers, Girl Scouts outside Trader Joe’s, murderers, my aunt. Everybody gets 90 seconds of ribbing and then we move on. You should pay to watch me practice my craft indiscriminately.”

That’s like if the New York Times’s motto was “all the news that either is or is not worth printing, in no particular order.”

Half the job of comedy is target selection. Otherwise you’re a boxer who punches the other boxer, the ref, the cut man, and all the audience members.

Also, ALSO. NO YOU FUCKING DON’T. Nobody makes fun of everybody equally. That’s too many people. You don’t have that kind of time.

You’re doing comedy for, what, an hour? Max. So you’re always forced to choose which 28 people in the world to make fun of, out of 7 billion.

Even if your goal was to get everybody equally, why not just start with the motherfuckers? And then much later in your career, when you’ve dropped a sick burn on everybody who deserves it, only then start with your downpunching bullshit.

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Alex Falcone

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The Weekly Weep
Alex Falcone

Written by

Comedian. Podcaster. Author of a YA novel about a girl who falls in love with a cute mummy. Publisher’s Weekly called it “Unfortunate.” unwrapmyheart.com

The Weekly Weep

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