In Defense of Snake People

Everybody loves to hate millennials. They’re the Nickelback of generations. The Batman V Superman of groups of people. The customer service centers where you have to say a bunch of stuff out loud and it only recognizes maybe half the words but there’s no way to get out of it and when you yell at the robot voice that only confuses it further… of demographics.

I’m not here to stop you; it’s totally fine to hate them. But let’s be clear on what we hate: their youth. We hate their soft skin, their vigor, and that we were wrong about cellphones causing head cancer so they’re totally going to live longer than us.

We hate kids because they’re kids and we always have. Your parents hated you, their parents hated them. Half of Ancient Greek writing translates to, “I can’t stand this new generation, Gen Upsilon. They’re always using crossbows and the geometry. They’re soft!”

This stock image (being sold by and to old people) shows the difference perfectly. Generation Xers like going to the gym, traveling, and having big piles of brown money. But kids these days, they don’t have brown money so they have to get by on heart and those light bulbs from hipstery coffee shops.

And that’s obviously true! If you’re older, you have more brown money because you get paid by your adult job where you stare at a computer screen covered in dollar signs and exploding charts.

Millennials aren’t middle managers yet, so they can’t afford travel or nice clothes. They have to clip their phones to the belt of their square-crotch jeans.

These people went to the trouble of surveying “1,200 workers across different generations” and guess what they found? Kids know more about technology whereas old people make better mentors! No way! They also found birds are better at flying than whales, but aren’t as good at eating seals!

But the true bias is on full display in the “cons” section. According to these 1,200 workers, Millennials are “lazy, unproductive, self-obsessed” which are such transparent old personism, I’m surprised it didn’t include “dances funny” and “won’t get off my lawn.”

If by some fluke there’s still a world left for the very next generation to inhabit, I can only imagine what the generation after Millennials will be like.