Romancing The Swan

As a culture we’re really good at white-washing history. We love talking about the ancient Greeks inventing math and democracy, but nobody ever talks about the time Zeus turned himself into a swan and fucked a lady.

Not like a bird mask, like a masquerade ball or something. He went full swan. It’s an Greek B-side.

We see all these pictures of the muscular god, poised to strike somebody with his mighty lightning bolt. We don’t see pictures of him rubbing up on Queen Leda with his glistening cloaca.

But the craziest thing is that he turned himself into a swan IN ORDER TO seduce Leda. He didn’t make a drunken bet with Hades like, “I’ve got so much game, I could sleep with that queen even if I was dressed like a bird,” oh no. That was his way in! He’s a god, so I guess he just knows what a woman really wants. She wants that long, elegant neck, that majestic wing span, and that retractable, cork-screw bird penis.

To be fair, he didn’t actually use his bird penis. That would be ridiculous. Most accounts of the myth suggest he penetrated her… with his beak. Which makes things… better? I don’t know, maybe worse. I mean it’s probably smoother but also sharper. More maneuverable but less pliable. And it definitely makes it weirder that she got pregnant.

That was a surprise. For her as much as me. She fucked this swan without protection and later she laid laid an egg. Which must have been an awkward conversation with her husband. “No, it’s yours, honey. I swear it’s yours! My great-uncle was a swan and it’s a recessive trait, I think. Happens all the time.”

Do you know what hatched out of one of those eggs? Helen of Troy. True story.

Well, almost certainly not.

But that’s the story. That scene was definitely missing from Troy, right? Helen is everywhere, but everybody’s forgotten the whole thing started because Zeus just wanted to get his beak wet.

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