The evil dead keep asking me to join them and I think I’m gonna do it
So I’m cowering in the corner of this little mountain cabin I went to with some friends. It was supposed to be a chill trip, but now they’ve all been possessed by demons and they really want me to join them. “Join us. Join us, Ash.” Over and over. At first I was like, “no, I don’t want to join you, evil dead!” But they’re starting to make a lot of sense.
For starters, they’re magic and I’m not. Even before we woke them up, they were haunting steering wheels, porch swings, clocks, cellar doors, and my own sister’s hand! They are POWERFUL. What am I? I’m just a guy with a great chin. Chins are useless in demon fights.
But maybe I could win. Maybe they’ll forget to use their magic powers and my chin will prove useful somehow. What’s my prize? Dismembering my girlfriend. I super don’t want to do that! I like her. I don’t care that she’s turning into a horror clown, I don’t want to chop her body up into little bits. Scotty hacked his girlfriend’s body up and buried it in the front yard and let me tell you: didn’t seem great.
Let’s say I do that though. Yay I win! I defeated the evil dead and dismembered everybody I’ve ever loved. Then what? Then what, huh? I tell the cops I dismembered everybody at my cabin party because the trees sexually assaulted them into demons. That interrogation sounds like it’ll be a real hoot, I tell you what. Do I want to survive the haunted cabin just to end up in the electric chair? No. No I don’t.
Now consider an alternative: I could just… join them.
Hear me out! If I just give up and join them, like they keep saying, maybe that’ll be rad. All five of us are deadites together, already a great start. Getting the gang back together! Instead of me fighting them, we can all frolic around the woods together. The only thing that doesn’t seem fun is getting hacked to bits, but that was me! I was the one doing that! So if I switch teams, boom. No natural predators. And maybe my girlfriend and I can have that fun demon sex I’ve been hearing so much about! Demon sex sounds like the opposite of the electric chair.
I hear what you’re saying. You’re saying, “nice try, deadite. That’s exactly what a deadite WOULD say.” And I hear you saying that because I’m a demon and I live in the trees outside your house, so I hear everything. But let me ask you this: if I was a deadite, wouldn’t I have to tell you? Huh? Isn’t that the law? Probably is. So don’t worry. Just put down the ax and do whatever we — I mean they — do what they say.
