Too Late: Monologue Jokes from 1805

Joking about current events frequently causes people to object that it’s “too soon” to joke about a particular story. But is the opposite true? Can it be TOO LATE to joke about some topics? To find out, I’ve written a Late Night-style topical monologue exclusively about stories that happened in 1805. Please picture me wearing a top hat and bushy mustache while saying these.

Did you see this? Beethoven’s 3rd symphony premiered in Vienna this week. He’s a talented man, Beethoven, but with hair like that he’d have to be. A cobbler who looks like him would never get to see a lady’s ankles. Have you seen this guy? He looks like he walked into the barber and said, “Just make me look like my hair hates my face and is trying to escape.”


The city of Detroit burned to the ground last week. A full 80% of the city was destroyed. It’s sad, I know… that this is the best it’s looked so far.

Oh, some Detroit fans in the crowd tonight. Well, if you’ve seen it, than you know that joke was a real lally-cooler, which as you know is a common expression of this time period.


Incredible story today, the Lewis and Clark Expedition made it to the Pacific Ocean. Isn’t that amazing? … They’ve kissed by now, right? They’ve definitely kissed.

“Come on, Meriwether. I know I’m engaged to a woman and after she dies I’m going to marry her first cousin, but we’re in uncharted territory in more ways than one.

“Okay, how about this. If we kiss once and you feel nothing, I’ll trade you my entire supply of snow and dysentery.

“Please stop writing this down.”