Why Emma Watson and I would never work

I’m in a really good relationship, so as a defense mechanism, my subconscious looks for long-term problems in any attractive person I meet. Before I even have a chance to fantasize about her, my brain flashes forward to the reason we would never work: our apartment styles would clash, our work schedules wouldn’t allow us time together, her friends wouldn’t like my friends.

I don’t want to have sex with those grapes up there, they look way too sour.

That’s what I was doing last week when I read that Emma Watson’s net worth is hundreds of millions of dollars.

We could never date. Even if I include the value of my organs on the black market, I’m worth zero millions of dollars.

Emma Watson (on the right)

It’s not that I have some masculine need to be the primary bread winner; I married my wife for her health insurance (and love, I suppose). But Emma makes SO much more than me, it’d just be awkward.

“Alex, honey. Do you want to go to Paris for the weekend?”

“Sorry, Emma, I can’t. I’m saving up to buy a sandwich.”

If we got a joint bank account, my money would be like the bird that lands on an elephant’s back and the elephant doesn’t even notice.

Emma Watson (on the right)

To be clear, Emma Watson is not one of those celebrity hall passes that some couples have. If I married Emma Watson, my wife would DEFINITELY not be okay with it.

She’d probably say something like, “Wait, Hermione? Isn’t she a kid?” And I’d say, “She’s 25.” And she’d say, “Did you look that up before or after you decided you had a crush on her?” And I’d be like, “Get off my back, First Wife!”

Emma’s not a hall pass, she’s more of a backup plan. If my wife ever left me — because, I don’t know, stuff I write on the internet? — I’d see what Emma’s up to. Oh, but if you run into her, please don’t tell her I said that. I don’t want it to get back to her that I called her a fallback. We’ve got enough to fight about already.

Also, don’t tell her I didn’t think she was that good in Beauty and the Beast. Ugh. I’m ruining it. It’s fine, Emma! I’m a single threat too! Don’t leave me, Emma!

Great. Now I have to call Melissa Joan Hart. And I know for sure we’ll break up over her involvement in God’s Not Dead 2.