From Theology to Astrology: How The Shift Helped Me Find Myself
By: Jade Miller
“Shame is an emotion invented by humanity - it is not a primal emotion. It is effectively redundant and not necessary for our survival.”
~Tweet from #HerStory
Shame, along with its twin sister guilt, is at the bottom of the Pyramid of Consciousness, the very lowest vibration, while enlightenment, peace, and joy make up the top three segments. However, shame is an extremely effective tool, especially when utilized by religion. Spiritual abuse, though it typically leaves no external wounds, often accompanies its victims to their grave. It takes a warrior mentality to come up from under the life-crushing burden of shame and guilt.
I wish my journey as a warrior reflected externally what was happening to me internally: think Native American Princess, tight braids, galloping across the prairie. But humans are nothing if not messy. When I dropped my life-long burden of guilt and shame and let it all hang out, my friends of 15 years discussed my probable insanity and wanted to commit me. I understood. I, too, was shocked by my behavior; it was beyond scandalous. “Extra, extra read all about it!” You might as well since the news ran rampant through my small community. I was, quite literally, the talk of the town. Here is a raw recounting of the events as they unfolded:
The congregation of [omitted] was recently shocked during Sunday morning service to hear the public announcement that Pastor [omitted]’s wife, Jade Miller, has been excommunicated due to her refusal to repent of her infidelity and return to her 19-year marriage (this means you must resist all desire to offer any real help, true friendship, or understanding). Jade had been an active member of the congregation for the past 10 years. Her duties included teaching and speaking at many Women’s Events, private counseling, teaching other people’s children, homeschooling a few of her own, volunteering for x, y, and z on a weekly basis, all while raising her four children. The congregation has been directed to fervently pray for Jade’s quick repentance so she can be welcomed back into the fold. **NOTE: All four of Jade’s children were in the “audience” during this public announcement. Jade was not in attendance.**
My spiritual abuse began with generational trauma, but for the sake of time, let’s skip to my experience in a cult in Idaho. I was married two months after my 19th birthday to a man I barely knew. Ironically, I had brought him into the cult, and his own trauma led him to take solace there, leading our family, with spiritual fervor to a space where he could fulfill his dream of pastoring. That’s all I’ll say about the father of my children here.
Fast forward to me choosing to leave the life I knew with just $300 and the clothes on my back. I left everything to my soon-to-be ex. I became pregnant during my junior year of college and had no college degree and no job prospects. I had been a stay-at-home mom for 17 years and my last job was waiting tables at Outback Steakhouse. To say I was lacking much of any safety net would be doing my situation a substantial injustice. The first order of business was finding a job and securing a home for my babies, aged 16, 13, 10, and 5 at the time. My determination to make my own way led me to land a sales job that required a college degree. I convinced them to give me a try.
I had zero financial security from my previous life (no child support, no alimony, no help of any kind) and several instances of active professional cock-blocking from former friends (like the one who dutifully called me to say, should she be called by my new employer as a reference FOR A SALES JOB, that she would have to tell them she could not recommend me, “due to my sin and ex-communication”). I was still saddled with guilt and shame, my children were floundering and hurt, I stopped actively mothering for a few months and doggy paddled my way through the monsoon. But I also gained a few lovely souls in my corner. I worked my ass off and was making 80k after my first year. I rented an apartment. I had 50/50 custody of my children. I was slowly rebuilding my physical world but needed to deal with my mental and spiritual health. Every spiritual word I had breathed in for decades was triggering to me. I didn’t know if I believed in God, or what “god” even meant. I didn’t know how to pray anymore. I didn’t want to think about the choices I had made to buy my freedom.
Enter: Astrology.
Three years after my divorce, I had been recruited for a new job, and for the first time in my life, found some breathing room where money was concerned. This was one of the first and most powerful ways I recognized my increasing alignment. My fear and scarcity- mindset around money was generational, and it echoed powerfully and daily throughout my marriage. With every step of my journey back to myself, the energy of money became more friendly. Every time I chose to invest in myself, the dividends were boundless. My job required little from me but paid well, and so my mental health took front and center stage. I got a therapist and intuitively invested in an Astrology course. I was fascinated by what I had been reading and learning about personality and the natures of different signs and planets. I’d never read a horoscope (still don’t) and had been raised to believe that Astrology, Tarot, and the like were fruits of the devil, witchcraft at worst and laughable at best. But I knew, soul-deep, that this was the right thing to do.
I studied for an hour or more every day for 2 years. I ate, drank, and slept Astrology. I had printouts of the birth charts of every one of my children, my closest people, and random strangers who would give me their birth time. I was obnoxious, my children were terrorized. Every Astrology TikTok you’ve seen making fun of Astrologers? That was me. “Your Sun is in Cancer and you’re such a sweet, mothering soul…don’t worry if you’re moody. That’s just who you are! And that Moon in Aries!! Whew! Watch out for the fire when you’re backed into a corner…it’s important you share your feelings.” But at the moment of my birth, every planet in the sky, the degree it was at, and the sign it was in had created a map for me to follow to understand myself for the first time. It was a mirror I could peer into. It gave me permission to look at the seemingly scary or ugly parts and recognize their power. I had spent over two decades studying the Bible and related books and had countless passages and quotes memorized. One day, while having my 1000th epiphany about my birth chart, I was reminded of a John Owen quote (think 1600s patriarchy dude). “Temptation is like a knife that may either cut the meat or the throat of a man.” I saw that knife and added 10 more, all the parts of me, and realized my nature was neither “bad” nor “good”. It just was. Every part of my personality and ways of processing were knives, tools already sharp and precise, none needing to be hidden or changed. I simply needed to wield them in order to carve out the life I wanted, with balance and care, and without fear of slashing my own throat.
There are countless ways to know yourself better and so many delicious tools, but Astrology will always have a special place in my kit because of how effective it was in giving me permission to fully love myself. It’s also important to note that, 5 years later, all of my children hand me the birth times of prospective people in their lives or ask me to pull tarot to help them make decisions, and my son has become quite the little Astrologer himself. Full circle moments are my favorite, and full moon circles, and new moon ceremonies, and spells, and sacred sisterhood and….
Jade lives in Wisconsin and spends most of her time enjoying life within the Great Lakes’ region. What does that entail? Aside from astrological readings, Jade enjoys jumping into the lake, paddleboarding, reading, snowshoeing & of course, mothering. Interested in learning more about yourself? Give her a try.
