Gratitude Gone Wrong
By: Katie DeShane
Like so many others during a global pandemic, I adopted a gratitude practice. It helped immensely with the daily fear and later the monotony that plagued us along with the disease itself. I was able to find joy in the midst of what continues to be a dark time by discovering five things every day to be grateful for. But as the world slowly found its way back to a “new normal,” I found myself clinging harder than ever to my gratitude journals until I was rudely awakened to the fact that my propensity for gratitude had propelled me straight into complacency. I had dug myself so far into a grateful hole that I could no longer see the light of reality until it smacked me in the face.
At the beginning of the pandemic, I was just your typical stepmom living in a high-conflict bio mom’s world. The constant trauma from that lifestyle was already wreaking havoc on my mental and emotional well-being, but the pandemic really put things into perspective: I could not and would not survive an extra “big t” Trauma like this without making some life changes. The obvious easy (for me) change to make was to first start looking for the light and finding my own personal joy. I have always been a Positive Polly and sought out the bright side in any situation; the first four years of my track record being a stepmom showed me I can get through anything by maintaining a sunny side up persona, so a gratitude practice fit right into my brand.
Every day, I use my cutest, brightest pens, choosing the perfect one that fits my mood of course, and write five things I’m grateful for. It can be anything big or small, but it has to have been relevant within the last 24 hours (or within the period since my last entry. We aren’t perfect with our frequency, okay?). This is a challenge on tough days, but that is part of the fun for me. When things are awful, can I find something good within it? Two and a half years of this challenge and I have pages and pages of several journals filled with things that bring me joy when times are hard, but not much else to show for those years, something that became evident on a “family” trip to the beach for the 4th of July.
Pandemic times were rough, but that is only one example of a hardship within a stepfamily. Ours is a complicated dynamic which is a story for a different day, but the dysfunctional dam finally broke and drowned me over the holiday weekend. I found myself downright dismissed and ignored for the trip to my own family’s beach home for two whole days, even after making a delicious French toast breakfast and making the perfect patriotic playlist. This, after seven years of being part of this “family,” broke my heart. Once I noticed how often I was left on my own, it was hard to unsee how I was being treated, how I had been treated over the years, and how I (and my spouse) had enabled it. I shrunk myself down so as to not make anyone uncomfortable or cause a rift, only to have made myself uncomfortable and ultimately completely invisible.
“I’m okay, though!” I always say to anyone who asks when they hear about what it’s like in my shoes. I defend my “family,” my spouse, and myself by listing off the numerous things I have to be grateful for. “At least I have…” [Insert daily gratitude list here while my throat chakra gives me away, flushing bright red like a neon sign: I AM NOT SAYING ALL I WANT TO SAY]
I relied so heavily on focusing on the positives that I had been complicit in sweeping the uncomfortable conversations under the rug. It’s okay that my stepson can’t bear to be in the same room as me; at least my stepdaughter and I are close. It’s okay that our time is dictated by their mother and her need for control; at least I have a job that is flexible. It’s okay that I’m the scapegoat for all problems that come our way; at least I’m tough enough to shoulder them.
At least. I hear it come from my stepdaughter’s mouth multiple times a day now and I know that’s a coping mechanism that I instilled in her. While there could be worse ways to cope, if it makes me cringe when she does it, it’s something I need to work on myself. On my way home from a stepmom retreat weekend away, I heard a song by Natasha Bedingfield that struck a chord:
“Got my dreams, got my life, got my love,
Got my friends, got the sunshine above.
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?”
I used to love that song in middle and high school, another time that was particularly hard on me due to some truly traumatizing levels of bullying. As I sang along in the car in 2022, I found myself petering out and was grimacing by the end. I’m alive, I have a man, I have friends and the sun, and that’s supposed to be enough? As someone who does have all of those things, I can honestly say that while I’m grateful as hell for all of them, I am no longer willing to take that as “good enough.” It’s time to come out of my grateful shell and remind myself and others how to treat me. I’ve withstood the bare minimum for so long it’s turned into disrespect. I’ve been complacent in the dysfunction for long enough.
I will continue to find the good in every day with my gratitude practice, but it will be balanced with more intentional self check-ins. I am focused on aligning myself with my highest frequency, which means matching what I feel on the inside with who I am on the outside. I work with a gorgeous human of a shamanic healer (or a “Shamama”, if you will) who is working on Heimlich-ing my blocked throat chakra. She is encouraging me to express my truest feelings in the moment, as I feel them, regardless of who I might make uncomfortable in the process, including myself! With only the best intentions at heart and my skills as a wordsmith, I am confident I can get my message across with kindness for all involved. I am prepared for a stumble or two as we make some changes as a family, no quotations this time.
I am hopeful for our family’s future as I navigate a more realistic approach to life. The gratitude practice was a helpful crutch during a time of mass chaos, but now will be one of many tools I use moving forward. I will pay attention to how often I throw a silver lining on a shitty situation, instead expressing myself unapologetically and asking for help in finding a solution. Positivity will always have a place in who I am, but I am learning to be mindful of so much more than just the good vibes. I’m rolling up my sleeves and putting the gratitude journal down. It’s time to put in the actual work. It’s time to make this existence more sustainable.
And I’m still okay.
Katie’s passion is connection. With a degree in English literature and the lifestyle of an extroverted bookworm, Katie channels the perfect words to create content that connects with readers. Her goal is to help people feel seen and heard through the written word. When she’s not creating and curating content, you can find Katie working on a cozy puzzle, tucked away in a nook reading, or traveling and adventuring with her husband and stepkids.
