12th Century-Style Marriages Make Roaring Comeback in DMV
800 years ago, marriage was more than an expression of love- it was a social contract that allowed everyone from impoverished peasants to feudal lords to combine their holdings and to increase their wealth, and chances of success.
Hold onto your Jergens, conservatives- because property-prioritizing marriages are back.
“I didn’t really like him,” says Betheny Okola, 26, events coordinator for a luxury DC hotel. “But he was a lawyer. He makes 120K.”
This March, Betheny will be marrying her fiance Will (32, corporate tax lawyer, working on his novel), who expresses similar sentiments.
“It’s not like we super-liked each other on Tinder or something. But she didn’t ask for my resume on the first date. That really impressed me.”
Why are these two getting married? Simply because together, they will be able to afford a 1 bedroom condo in Ivy City.
“Together, we can also afford a parking space,” Will says, eyes gleaming. “I will also give her father a herd of swine, to seal the deal.”
Will and Betheny share almost no hobbies, but that’s fine, because they expect to devote themselves entirely to their careers and, the condo is juuuuust big enough that one can cry in the en-suite bathroom and the other can cry in the kitchen, and they won’t hear each other.
“It’s just really perfect for us. And Ivy City is so cool,” says Betheny. “When we inevitably divorce, we will get sooooo much money from this investment. Probably enough to cover the divorce.”
It’s expected that up to 60% of millenials who aren’t contemplating suicide in a WeLive or a shared house that has begun to resemble a White Pride Nationwide or Weather Underground bunker (depending on VA or MD residency) will eventually marry someone just so they can afford a downtown condo- possibly with a balcony.
But what, to quote the famous Whitney Houston, or maybe that’s Tina Turner, has love got to do with it?
“I don’t feel love anymore,” says Dima Galliorakis. “I stopped feeling love when I started paying $2K a month for a studio above a street corner full of crack addicts in NoMA. But, it is like, right next to this pho place I’m crazy about, so maybe that’s it. Maybe I just love pho.”
Dima is hopeful he will find a tolerable person to share that love, and a one bedroom on Capitol Hill.
