Mega Storm Threatens Human Life in Wershington
In a shocking turn of events which no one predicted- with the exception of DC’s nonnative population who are continually reminded of the capitol city’s unique capacity to disappoint in laughably predictable ways- a late-season snow storm looks set to decimate Metro, the Beltway, the cherry blossoms, most of the trendier bodegas, and yes; even Trader Joe’s.
“This will mean 2, maybe 3 days without tapas. Popville is going to be 3 straight days of snow-related pet posts. I can’t do it anymore. I’m going to go home and drink hydrochloric acid,” said one Booz analyst.
Democratic and Republican Hill staffers alike, on the other hand, welcomed the news of the storm.
“Maybe it will kill us all, wipe the sin from this place,” said an LD for Rep. Crowley, as he carved another mark into his arm, another day marred by calls from conservative constituents who think Obama is running a shadow government.
“If we all die, we won’t have to worry about our futures anymore. I’m hoping to go out in a snow-related Uber accident,” said a Republican LA who asked to remain anonymous. “I will probably be driving, though. The surge will be incredible.”
As of Monday, absolutely no preparation was being carried out.
“Yeah, we got some dirt. Are we putting it out yet? Fuck no,” said a DPW worker taking his sixth consecutive cigarette break next to his idle snowplow. His name tag read ‘Benny’. “These morons are just going to drive onto the shoulder in a blind panic anyways.”
In Maryland, a chorus of animalistic howls could be heard floating over downtown Bethesda, as the coming snow magically transformed citizens into panicked, ravening animals who (still) don’t know how to use turn signals.
