Snow Storm Fails To Alleviate Burden of Existence in DMV

Three great-looking Georgetown residents woefully unprepared for even modest snowfall.

Unsurprisingly, Tuesday’s much-welcomed doom-storm failed to deliver on its promises, and DC’s citizens were forced yet again to stare down the long, silent barrel of their 9–8 nonprofit, consulting, and government jobs.

But like all disappointments, the near-miss was uniquely DC, lingering just long enough to destroy the region’s one natural draw: the cherry blossoms.

Economists predict that the lack of tourism revenue, already dangerously low for an inauguration year, will cripple the rarefied screaming streetside vendors market, and may in fact leave the grounds of the National Mall dangerously- and unprecedentedly- clean of trash.

“I just don’t know how we’re going to make it through the year without 2 over-flowing trash cans on every corner of the Mall,” says Gay Vietzke, Superintendent of the National Mall and Memorial Parks. “I mean, does it actually accomplish anything? I don’t know, but damn if we don’t have them every year. It’s part of the atmosphere, and it just won’t be the same. What’s a walk around the National Mall without the remains of an ice cream wrapper getting stuck on the open-flesh part of your sandal? It’s memory-making. It’s part of our story as a country.”

The situation threatens to be even more dire for small businessmen, the Screaming Streetside Vendors Union believes.

“Locals just refuse to buy Trump merchandise, probably because they have souls, and they certainly won’t pay $2 for water. This year is going to be a total wash for our members,” says Union rep Screamin’ Will Bollard.

For their part, DMV residents are taking the good with the bad.

“I really thought this year would be the year I snap and kill a bunch of tourists in American flag apparel standing on the left side of the escalator in a carefully planned rampage,” says Maryanne Hast, events coordinator for The World Bank Group. “But I think I will return that idea to the drawing board for now.”