WMATA Predicts Soul Harvest Shortfall, $0.50 Fare Hike
For the first year since 2009, WMATA is predicting a shortfall in their annual harvest of commuter souls.
“We just haven’t seen the numbers of negligence-caused deaths that we’re used to,” says WMATA DC Director Jack Evans. “It’s really put a dent in our sacrificial blood-of-innocents bank.”
The sacrificial blood is integral to running the dark magic portal which fuels metro’s new 7000-series cars.
“Without sufficient stores of blood, we can’t contact Satan,” says Evans. “Then the whole system just falls apart.”
WMATA is funded by MD, VA, and DC in a three part governing board, underscoring the usual satanic resource-sourcing difficulties with an unwieldy and often at-odds set of stakeholders.
“We’re aware of Metro’s Faustian pact,” said Virginia Secretary of Transportation Aubrey Layne. “There’s just only so much you can do when trapped in a cycle which requires ever more blood, yet drives commuters away, because they understandably fear death, or a fare hike. We’ve already fed them all of our homeless, but it’s not enough. The blood isn’t pure.”
WMATA says that the system prefers the blood of white males with bright futures, primarily aged 25–34.
“It’ll take anything, but that’s what it really likes. We think it has something to do with the media attention,” says a WMATA employee who preferred to remain anonymous. “Sometimes, late at night, you can hear the 7000 series whispering names. Beau. Chad. Trey. You kind of figure you know what it wants.”
How will the forecast shortfall affect riders? Expect delays, fare hikes, and a spike in fatal accidents.
“If we can’t provide the blood, Metro is just gonna go out and get it,” says Evans. “Our hands are totally tied, there is just no way to prevent the toll from being taken, even wrested from our hands. And riders can expect a further $0.50 fare hike during peak hours.”
