Yet Another Political Prisoner Escapes From National Zoo
The National Zoo has faced high-profile escapes before; including a week-long jaunt by red panda and anarcho-syndicalist terrorist Rusty, and a daring breakout by bobcat-nationalist gang leader Ollie.
It seems that, as of this Wednesday, the National Zoo has suffered yet another: left radical otter Clementine has abandoned her partner Chowder and their six prison-born children: Pickles, Olive, Peaches, Rutabaga, Kevin and Turnip.
Steven Sarro, Supervisory Biologist and Zoo Curator, has told the Post that Clementine’s escape- which he describes as technically near-impossible- necessitated inside help, the details of which are being kept mum by the Zoo.
“This is no ordinary breakout,” says Sarro. “We believe she will be back, probably with her contacts, possibly in an armed attack. Rutabaga is her protege- I do not believe she will leave her to live and die in prison.”
The Zoo declined to comment on the possibility of DMV-area Otter sleeper cells.
“We aren’t at liberty to share that information with you, even if we had it,” Sarro says. “Just know that Clementine is dangerous, and that the otters are organized. This isn’t the Rusty, not even the Ollie situation, at all. This is serious.”
The National Zoo has faced criticism in the past over what some refer to as a “for-profit political prison scheme”. Critics have lobbed accusations of exploitation and even rights abuses at the feet of the Zoo.
Such accusations are baseless, claims director Dennis W. Kelly.
“Clementine gets her two meat and veg, just like you and me. She is entitled to due process and a hot rock, and she has been convicted in a court of law, and she has her rock. People forget that, inside these low hedges that pass for walls, Clementine might be cute, but outside, she’s part of a dangerous, organized, even lethal organization that seeks to overthrow capitalism and institute a communist regime in our country; and they don’t mind biting any ankles that get in the way.”
Kelly urges the public to report any sightings of Clementine to the Zoo, and to avoid contact with Clementine, especially if she approaches you.
“You do not want to mess with this otter. She is completely devoted to the Revolution, and she will not hesitate to dispatch you, possibly with one of those cute rocks they use to break open clams.”