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THE WIND PHONE
The Guilt I Didn’t Expect To Feel After Mom Died
I regret not appreciating all the day-to-day moments
I was so happy when my mom finally died.
She wouldn’t have to struggle with her advanced dementia anymore; she wouldn’t have to be frustrated by her macular degeneration; she wouldn’t have to endure the continuing indignity of not even being able to control her own bowels.
When the sadness hit me, I wasn’t prepared for what I would feel sad about.
One day, my mom had a fall at her Memory Care facility and was in sufficient pain that she was confined to her bed. This was the beginning of the “active dying” phase, which, frankly, was hard to watch.
By the time she died, I was exhausted and emotionally overwrought and just so sad for her. When she passed, I cried. I cried and felt a deep body ache that came from finally releasing the tension I had been holding the entire two years she had been in the nursing home.
By the time we held her funeral mass, however, a little more than a week later, I was calmer and so thankful that she didn’t have to be in pain anymore. It became easier to hold my tears in.