HOME SWEET HOME - childhood lost to addiction
We all are living stories of our childhood. So I broke, some complete, some harassed, some bleed, some happy, some confused, some blessed, some used, some - result of love, some - the signature that kept the tradition above!!
She is my elder sister, “Saya”. Today is her 19th birthday.
I haven’t seen anyone as disinterested on their birthday as her, but she has her reasons, or at least she believes she has!
HER FATHER ___I MEAN ‘OUR FATHER’___LEFT US TODAY, 9 YEARS BACK.
The memory of the fucked up alcoholic junkie isn’t all unambiguous in my subconscious, thank god or thank Saya for that matter of fact. She used to lock me up in my room assuring that she’ll revert to me soon and used to put the music on, my favourite, and go to tire herself up acting as a mitigator, but all in vain! My drunk father shouted at my mother down in the hall and my mother howled back. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, I don’t know!
They shoved my dear sister aside, who was a little girl then and continued, never noticing how they were breaking her in the process of steaming off their bottled up infuriation. She went inside the greenhouse at the backyard and stayed there, doing what? I’ve no idea!
Saya looks at me and I stare back, giving her a look “I-know-its-your-birthday-also-your-wish-that-you-could-disappear-right-from-the-face-of-the-planet!”
“I know!”, she fires back, immediately answering my thoughts.
Saya had been a ‘near to perfect' for me, her flaws too were all so perfect! I wish she believed me when I tell her she is the best, I wish she believed me when I tell her it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault that the man, whom she thought she knew well, chose his addiction to his family helplessly and left them. But she doesn’t. She could’ve changed it, stopped it, but couldn’t, was what she held herself accused of.
lur mother never brought the subject of our father before us. She rarely discussed anything with us. She had given up all of her to earn to her best. I wish she talked, I wish she didn’t behave as if it never happened!
Sara had her dairy though, she wrote. I read it once when she wasn’t nearby, she had written questions in it, all she wanted answers for from our father. Did she believe he’ll come back to us, to her, and give her answers! I despise him!
I looked at her, composed, calm, seated across me, waiting …
When the mother came back from work, we gathered at the dinner table. She handed over Saya a packet, her birthday present. She accepted with a smile and thanked her. God !! How formal a mother-daughter relationship could get!! Our mother said she wanted to share something with us, we sat down.
She said, “Your father came to my workplace today and said he wanted to meet Saya since it's her birthday, he wants to apologize to her. He is waiting outside Saya, only if you want to, otherwise I’ll ask him to leave immediately.”
“What? What do you mean waiting outside? Why did you let him come here? He wants to meet Saya today, after many years he suddenly remembers it's her birthday, the day he left us!! and thinks it’ll be fine? He thinks apologizing will settle all he did? To us? To Saya? Why did you allow him? Send him away, Saya won’t see him.”, I was furious at her.
“I will.”
“What the hell Saya? Why?”
“Its okay Jessie, won’t take much, he has to say something, he will and then leave.”
“Yes, exactly, LEAVE, as he did, so why bother you?”
“He is our father Jessie!”
“Wow!!”
I was furious and stormed out of there, in my room. WHY?
I could see him from here, in the backyard, NEAR THE GREENHOUSE, did he even know this was the escape of the little girl he has come to see today, who wanted him, who loved him, who held herself responsible because of him, who over apologize even when she isn’t at fault just because she thinks she could settle, like she wished she could for them, to him. His contour was clear against the slight dark of dusk. He is my father!
Saya came out.
“Hey, happy birthday Shadow.”
“Thanks, Dad, how are you?”
“Fine, you?”
“Good.”
“So it's a big day huh, birthday girl? What celebration do you prefer, now you are this all grown up and look at you so gorgeous? Tell me, Saya, how do you celebrate your birthday?”
How dare he ask that? I have to go down before he hurts her even more.
“Celebrate what dad? Yours leaving us, it was the same day, wasn’t it?”
“I know Saya, you might be so angry at me you’ve every right to, but understand this from my point of view too dear, I had to leave, I didn’t want to poison your lives further. I knew you would be well brought up by your mother, you and your sister, how is she? Would’ve been all grown up..”
“She didn’t want to see you.”
“Yes, I wasn’t even sure if you would. Thank you so much, Saya, you’ve no idea what this means to me, I had been so guilty of what I did to you and wanted to apologize to you since ever, just couldn’t find the nerve to. Please forgive me.”
“If I do forgive you will you be no longer guilty?”
“Lesser I guess..”
“Alright, I do, I do forgive you then, now leave, with the guilt lifted. Go on and live dad.”
He couldn’t look into her eyes, he had always known that he had wronged her, but the impacts were witnessed by him today, he left her and she was all chaos beneath this facade of calm. What she would’ve have been today if he had been a father to her. He didn’t know what he came here for, he had expected her to forgive him, but when forgiven, he thought he would feel lesser of this guilt that he was forced to drown into but he learned to swim, but that made it even worse, she had but he couldn’t forgive himself.
“This is for you Saya, happy birthday.”
He handed over a present and left.
“He left?”
“Yes.”
“Did he ask for me?”, desperation clear in my voice, well he was ‘our Father’!
“Yes Jessie, he said you would’ve have been all grown up and lovely as you are”, Saya said, trying to lighten up.
“What did he say to you?”
“He asked me to forgive him.”
“And you did?”
“Yes.”
“Why Saya? Why didn’t you ask him?”
“Ask him what?”
I’m sorry but I’ve read it all, all the questions that haunt you, why didn’t you ask him for the answers that he is bound to give you? It's his fault that you’re stuck there, it’s his fault that he left you with so many uncertainties and question, why didn’t you ask him, Saya?”
She looked away, for a moment I thought she was avoiding my eyes, or worse, was she crying and trying to hide the tears? Her smile does this work better, why look away?
“Saya…you okay? You should’ve made him answer, he had to..!”
“PEOPLE ARE NO ANSWERS JESSIE, THERE ARE JUST MORE QUESTIONS.”
“He has left Jessie, he got what he came here for and left, he won’t come back now.”
She went inside, and I stood there, alone, silent, here where our father was standing a few moments before. I couldn’t help but think WHAT WOULD SAYA BE LIKE IF HE HADN’T LEFT? How different she would be if he were here to put her to sleep against her demons instead of becoming one himself? How would she be if she had parents, who knew how to love the beautiful child she is like she loves me if she had parents as I have her? How she would’ve been?
